Saturday, January 06, 2007

Frank Miller's 300

This (among the 3 others) is supposedly what the movie posters for the greatly anticipated film 300 will look like.

300 is a flick based off of Frank Miller's graphic novel of the same name. The plot is loosely derived from the real life Battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C. It has Spartans and Romans in it. The movie was shot in 60 days. Sienna Miller was briefly considered for the role of Queen Gorgo.

I don't know who Gerard Butler is, but I seriously doubt that his abs are as ripped as depicted in the above poster. It looks more like a scruffy Tony Montana, from Scarface, bellowing, "Say heh-lo to dah bad guy!"

The wording in this "promotional" piece of media seems a tad bit counterproductive.

His expression looks like he just drank a cool, refreshing bottle of Zima.

I'm going to assume that this guy is the Roman version of a hooligan / cheerleader.


Tara Reid Forgot to Iron Something

I don't want to brag, but my grandma would look more respectable exposing her midriff in a half top.

Now we all know the truth. Tara Reid's mom was really a Shar-Pei .

This mother/daughter portrait was taken a few hours before Tara's bitch of a mom was spayed.

This is good to know because anyone who is dating Ms. Reid can ask her the important questions like: Have you had all your shots? Have you been de-wormed? & Where's your flea collar?

The picture below seems to be begging for captioning.

Tara Reid is reenacting a scene from Jodie Foster's film, Nell.

"Look at me! I can make a shadow puppet bunny thingy!"

"Tara, what's your I.Q.?"

"Tara, how do you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10?"

"Tara, how big is your brain?"

"Tara, what are your chances of ever winning an Academy Award?"


Lindsay Lohan Has Apendectomy

According to her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, Lindsay Lohan has had emergency surgery to have her appendix removed.

Like I'm going to believe that load of hooey. What's next? Christopher Columbus rising from the dead to discover Kevin Federline's talent? I'm never going to believe what her publicist says ever again. When Zelnick said Ms. Lohan's breasts were indeed "real", she lost whatever shred of credibility she had left.

Let's face it, this is a girl who controls her asthma attacks by sucking on cigarettes instead of inhalers.

Here are my two unfounded theories:

1) She became pregnant, narrowed the baby's daddy down to 12 different people, and then decided to undergo a secret abortion.

2) Lindsay's saline filled boobies started to sag like rock filled socks and required emergency uplifting.

Whatever happened to that sweet innocent girl that starred in Disney's Parent Trap movie?

Will Dakota Fanning suffer a similar fate of Lindsay's wild child ways? It's kind of doubtful since Dakota seems to have a better, more stable set of parents. The kind of parents that would not feel at home living in a rundown trailer park.


Friday, January 05, 2007

Lampley Boxes Girl Friend After Dark

HBO's boxing commentator, Jim Lampley, has been arrested for violating his restraining order and trying to encourage a sighted witness to spontaneously become blind.
Candy Saunders, Miss California 2003, recently filed a restraining order against Lampley. It just so happens as the police were conducting a follow up interview with Ms. Saunders, Lampley unexpectantly showed up at her premises - violating the enacted restraining order. Jim was then arrested on the spot.
According to Candy, Jim roughed her up on New Year's Eve, like a Keith Urban would to a pinata full of cocaine. She claims Lampley did so after becoming extremely inebriated by consuming marijuana and more than his fair share of rice wine . She also accused Mr. Lampley of throwing her to the ground of a Los Angles restaurant yelling, "Good bitches eat on the floor!" Okay, I made that last part up, but if it's true then I'm guilty of flukey and tasteless reporting. In such a case, The Enquirer could not help but be extremely impressed.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The Knights of Prosperity

Airs Wednesday nights on ABC.
This is a show about a group of people who are tired being all round average working stiffs and want something more out of the current life they lead. The try to accomplish this by creating an exclusive club called The Knights of Prosperity. The first item on their agenda is to rob Mick Jagger's New York Appartment.
They arrive at this absurd idea when Donal Logue's character watches an MTV Cribs type of program showcasing Jagger's opulent appartment. To my surprise, Mick Jagger was actually in the pilot episode going over the top in regards to the luxuries he has at his disposal. He shows off his room that is exclusively only for his many different stage hats. Then Mick talks about his indoor swimming pool that he never uses because he "doesn't enjoy getting wet". Instead, he's shown casually tossing tennis balls into the luxurious pool, so his 4 dogs swimming in it have something to play with.

These guys are like the X-Men, except they don't possess any mutant genes. Well, that isn't entirely true because Sophia Vergara is in it, and she's extraordinarily beautiful.

As good as this picture is, it isn't even one of her better ones.

Check these out:

This is one of her best pics. Just thinking about this photo makes my loins stir. Oops. Once again, too much information.
And finally, here's Sophia posing with Academy Award winner, Robin Williams.


Is Mike Tyson Down for the Count?

Mike Tyson was recently arrested for impaired driving when he almost hit a parked police car outside the nightclub he had just left. The cop found cocaine both on Tyson and in his vehicle - a run down 1994 Geo Tracker.

Mike used to be on top of the world. He became the youngest Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World. He was making $20 million per fight, plus a percentage of the pay-per-view box office. His career earnings are said to have been an estimated quarter of a billion American dollars.

At 40, Mike Tyson no longer fights boxers in the ring. He now concentrates his time trying to fight off personal bankruptcy. It's sad to reflect at how far this self admitted coke addict has fallen. It's almost as if Tyson hates who he is and now lacks the enthusiasm to look in the mirror at the shell of a man he has eventually become.

These days, Mike Tyson is quite used to having his mug shot taken, and now seems very comfortable around a camera.

That wasn't the case when Tyson served his initial stint in jail.
You could actually detect the fear, for the first time ever, in his expression.

It looked a lot like this:


Asslee Simpleton Flash Dances

Ashlee Simpson is a maniac, maniac on the floor, and she's dancing like she's never danced before.

I guess Ashlee's true calling is flashing little children on a public beach, instead of singing, or dancing, or astrophysics.

What the...? Ashlee just mooned me. I said astrophysics - not asstrophysics, you ditsy hack!


Sunday, December 31, 2006

How's It Hanging, Saddam?

Supposedly, Saddam Hussein was defiant to the end.

But what if Mr.Hussein had been granted one last wish regarding his means of execution? How might it have been carried out?

Myself not knowing Saddam all that well, he probably would've requested that his hanging be postponed until December, 31, at 11:59pm, and that it be conducted in New York City, in Times Square.

Instead of the Times Square Ball descending, it would slowly rise to the top of the flag pole, or in this particular case a gallows pole. That's right. Saddam's noose would be tied to the symbolic New Year's Eve Ball and ascend to the top, pulling him along for the short inhumane ride for all to bear witness.

Now that's one New Year's event everybody would remember, but would rather soon forget.

It's not like it's any more sadistic than the cruelty Mr. "Insane in the Membrane" Hussein has ordered upon his very own people and his immediate neighboring countries.

Tickle Me Elmo is on FIRE

In protest over Saddam Hussein's execution, Elmo ignited his fire crotch.

Besides Big Bird, who knew that this whacky muppet had a fire fetish?

Beyonce's Breast is Collapsing

Either Beyonce's chest was involved in a traumatic shark bite accident or her boob is deflating faster than Rosie O'Donnell sitting on a whoopie cushion.

Not so bootilicious anymore.

I'm aware of the fact that Jay-Z has a mouth the size of Pac Man's, but this "love bite" is above and beyond the capabilities of any normal human being. Well, maybe not Donald Trump, because I hear he's a hybrid alien from the planet Ko'Movar.