Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Michael Moore vs CNN

Acclaimed documentary maker, Michael Moore, tore into the entire network of CNN for making the statement that the medical statistics in his Medicare movie, Sicko , were somewhat embellished.

Moore demanded an apology, then took a page out of the book of Rambo and promised CNN that he'd become their worst nightmare.

Time/Warner, CNN 's parent company, erupted into a terrified scream and acceded to Moore's threat by immediately begging for forgiveness to the Peter Griffin look alike for its blasphemous remarks.

And it's a good thing they did...

...because it could have gotten ugly.


Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Orlando Bloom

Yet another celebrity photo that is begging for captioning:

It seems the bald guy with the pink shirt (in the background) is digging Orlando's look - a lot.

Orlando's lip hair makes him look like a blooming queer.

Because of Orlando, the Schneider "look" from the 70's TV show,
One Day at a Time, refuses to die.

Bloom is showing off the result of years of testosterone therapy

"Can Daniel Radcliffe grow a mean mustache like mine? I seriously doubt it."

"If you think my mustache looks cool, you should see my mom's!"

"Those hair plugs for my upper lip was the best $9,000 I've ever spent!"

"Don't call me Orlando. From now on, refer to me as...Fernando!"

"For the last time, I'm
NOT Harry Potter's dad."

Bloom grew the mustache for his next role: A sleazy man who lures under aged boys to his home through Pokemon internet chat rooms.

When Orlando gets nervous, he sticks his hands under his armpits, and then he smells them - like this!


Jennifer Garner Working it Out

Caption Time!

Jennifer Garner is not fantasizing about her husband, but being taken from behind by a real man, like Matt Damon.

To maximize her workout time, Jennifer decides to empty her bowels into her adult diapers.

Garner is a huge fan of the gym's new Cybex Sybian machine.

Jennifer Garner is seen here doing the nasty with the Casanova of Transformers, Cybersex.


Monday, July 16, 2007

Jerry O'Connell Gets Married

"I'll Take that one."

Gerry O'Connell (center) is not choosing what cream filled pastry to stuff into his cavernous pie-hole, but looking into the distant future and declaring to the group that his wife, one day, will be none other than...

...Rebecca Romijn.

Like, what the

You mean to tell me that the fat kid from the movie Stand by Me landed one of the HOTTEST women ever to cat walk upon the face of this planet? What are the astronomical odds of that???

Like, come on! LOOK AT HER!! What does she see in that former fatty?

Now Jerry O'Connell is going to do his best to try and wreck Becca's bodacious body by knocking her up with a baby. And it's probably for no other reason than to spite me!

We, as a nation, need to pull together and impede O'Connell from planting his evil seed into the ravishing Rebecca at all costs. I would like to take this opportunity to implore President George W. Bush to recall all the troops from Iraq and to refocus our efforts on stopping Jerry from destroying perfection.

I'm certain that's a cause even bleeding Democrats can support.


No one?

Well to Hell with you then!
I'll become an army of one. My code name shall be: Son of a Gun.


I've Seen Shrek 3

It should have been titled as Shrek the Turd.

One was good, the sequel was even better, and the third was more disappointing than Lindsay Lohan's sobriety test.

Shrek the Third shamelessly recycled jokes from the previous installments and introduced new characters that were just plain uninteresting.

I can't recommend anyone paying full price to see a movie that should have gone straight to video. Instead, wait for the DVD special edition release. It has a deleted scene of the Ogres having sweet, tender anal sex, when, seemingly out of nowhere, Eddie Murphy's character unexpectedly shows up to deliver a devastating donkey punch to the back of Princess Fiona's head. It might be hidden as a DVD "Easter Egg", so be sure to watch out for it.

Nonetheless, kids with low intelligence quotients (Britney Spears' children) should still find this lack luster film amusing.


I've Seen Transformers

"It's true. I'm the illegitimate son of Darth Vader."

I haven't seen a whole lot of movies so far this year, but I can strongly recommend Transformers .

The special effects of the robots transforming was nothing short of spectacular!

Shiloh LeBeouf plays a smart-alec teen whose first car happens to be a Transformer, named Bumblebee, who's responsible for protecting the boy from the evil Deceptacons.

Megan Fox played the love interest for Shia. That pretty much sums up her role in the film, since the only semi-significant thing Fox did in the movie was to drive a tow truck backwards for a couple of city blocks. That's it. And come to think of it, I don't remember the truck even making that typical high pitched beeping noise as it reversed through the streets.

"My name is Megan Fox, and I'm addicted to bronzer."

From what I have seen of Megan, she's no Merryl Streep when it comes to the art of acting. I'm thinking that if the superficial producers of Hollywood hadn't come calling, she'd have fallen on her backup plan - porn - and have given Jenna Jameson a serious run for her worn out dildo.

All in all, this was Michael Bay's (a former Playboy/music video director) best attempt at making a movie to date. But hopefully this doesn't instill enough confidence in Bay to make him green light Armageddon 2: Affleck with Avian Flu.