Saturday, September 22, 2007

Celebrity Name Droppings

Chances are good that your favorite movie star went under a different name before they made it big. For example:

Did you know that Charlie Sheen's first name used to be Carlos? To me, Carlos Sheen sounds like a sweaty Mexican.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Well, I'm a tad more certain that you didn't know that Chuck Norris originally went by the moniker of Carlos. Carlos Ray, to be exact. How does one arrive at "Chuck" from Carlos? What's wrong with Carl Ray? Or my personal favorite: Ray Gunn. Now that's a kick-ass name for a bonafide action star.

Austin Power's dad, Michael Caine, had cruel parents who named him Maurice Micklewhite. Sounds like a backup singer for Englebert Humperdink.

Robert Goulet was called Stanley Applebaum. I wonder if that's pronounced "Apple-Bum"? If that was the case, he should have been a porn star. He already has the mustache for it.

Queen Latifah changed her name from Dana Owens. Nothing wrong with Dana Owens. I guess it sounded too Caucasian for her liking.

The following are the original names of famous celebrities.

Gene Wilder --- Gerald Silberman
George Burns --- Nathan Birnbaum
Jerry Lewis --- Joseph Levitch
Joan Rivers --- Joan Molinsky
Lauren Bacall --- Betty Joan Perske
Kirk Douglas --- Issue Danielovich Demsky***
Michael Landon --- Michael Orowitz
Milton Berle --- Milton Berlinger
Rodney Dangerfield --- Jacob Cohen
Tony Curtis --- Bernard Schwartz
Woody Allen --- Alan Stewart Koenigsberg
Angie Dickinson --- Angeline Brown
Ben Kingsley --- Krishna Banji
Billy Barty --- William John Bertanzetti
Bo Derek --- Mary Cathleen Collins
Brigitte Bardot--- Camille Javal
Britney Spears --- Trailer Trash Trish
Bruce Lee --- Lee Yuen Kam
Cary Grant --- Archibald Alexander Leach
Charles Bronson --- Charles Buchinski
Charlie Sheen --- Carlos Irwin Estevez
Charlton Heston --- Charles Carter
CHARO --- Maria Rosario Pilar Martinez Molina Baeza
Cher --- Cherilyn Sarkisian
Christian Slater --- Christian Michael Leonard Hawkins
Chuck Norris --- Carlos Ray***
Courtney Love --- Love Michelle Harrison
Danny DeVito --- Daniel Michaeli
David Copperfield --- David Kotkin
Demi Moore --- Demetria Guynes***
Don Johnson --- Donald Wayne
Elvis Costello --- Declan McManus
Eminem --- The Real Slim Shady
Engelbert Humperdinck --- Arnold Dorsey
Enya --- Eithne Ni Bhraonian***
Fred Astaire --- Frederick Austerlitz
Gene Simmons --- Chaim Witz***
George Michael --- Georgios Panayiotou***
Glenn Ford --- Gwyllyn Samuel Newton Ford
Goldie Hawn --- Goldie Jean Studlendegehawn***
MC Hammer --- Stanley Kirk Burrell
Harry Houdini --- Ehrich Weiss
Hulk Hogan --- Terry Jean Bollette
Ice-T --- Tracy Morrow
Jackie Gleason --- Herbert Gleason
Jane Seymour --- Joyce Penelope Wilhelmina Frankenberg
Jason Alexander --- Jay Scott Greenspan***
Jodie Foster --- Alicia Christian Foster***
John Denver --- Henry John Deutschendorf Jr.
Judy Garland --- Frances Gumm
Karl Malden --- Malden Sekulovich
Kathie Lee Gifford --- Kathie Epstein
Larry King --- Larry Zeigler
Little Richard --- Richard Penniman
Lucy Lawless --- Lucille Frances Ryan
Meat Loaf --- Marvin Lee Aday
Michael Cain --- Maurice Micklewhite***
Milton Berle --- Mendel Berlinger
Mickey Rooney --- Joe Yule Jr.
Mr. T --- Lawrence Tero
Mrs. Mel Gibson --- Sugar Tits
Omar Sharif --- Michael Shalhoub
Paris Hilton --- Sloppy Cunt
Pat Benatar --- Patricia Andrzejewski
Phyllis Diller --- Phyllis Driver
Queen Latifah --- Dana Owens***
Robert Blake --- Michael James Vijencio Gubitosi
Robert Goulet --- Stanley Applebaum***
Sally Field --- Sally Mahoney
Sean Connery --- Thomas Connery
Sophia Loren --- Sophia Scicoloni
Stephanie Powers --- Stefania Federkiewicz
Steven Tyler --- Steven Tallarico
Stevie Wonder --- Stevland Morris
Susan Sarandon --- Susan Tomaling
Tammy Wynette --- Wynette Pugh
Ted Knight --- Tadeus Wladyslaw Konopka
Tina Turner --- Anna Mae Bullock
Tom Cruise --- Thomas Mapother IV***
Tom Jones --- Thomas Woodward
Tony Danza --- Anthony Iadanza
Twiggy --- Leslie Hornby
Walter Matthau --- Walter Matuschanskayasky
Whoopie Goldberg --- Caryn Johnson
Wynonna Judd --- Christina Ciminella
Yul Brynner --- Taidje Khan


Friday, September 21, 2007

George Clooney Crashes

A car smashed into Clooney & his girlfriend's motorcycle, breaking George's rib and his his lady friend's foot. It is rumored that the driver of the car was an avid fan of the original Batman movies.

After the crash, Clooney could be heard hysterically crying, "MY FACE! HAS MY BEAUTIFUL FACE BEEN HARMED???"

The perpetrator of the accident then asked the injured Clooney, "Since I hit you with my CAR, can I get your AUTOgraph?"



Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I've Seen SHOOT 'EM UP

This movie is an action junkie's wet dream!

Need I elaborate more? I think not. Go see it already.


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Gordon Sumner Shall be CAPTIONED!

Coming out of the bathroom stall next to Larry Craig, Sting can't help but feel dirty.

"Yikes! That stings!"

Sting's reaction after accidentally walking in on Dame Edna in a state of undress.

"Don't stand so close to me. I just cut the cheese."

Sting has a flashback about having sex with his wife.

Sting attempts to fool the paparazzi by acting like a Special Olympian.

Sting has just been told what the price of his Police concert tickets are selling for.

It would seem that Sting is in dire need of a face lift.

Sting exits a brothel after having had a stroke.

Sting after seeing Britney Spears' performance at the MTV award show.


Sean Stewart

Sean is the irresponsible son of 70's rocker, Rod Stewart. It would seem that he enjoys exposing himself. Perhaps he deserves to be the brunt of some captioning? Yes. Yes he does.

SEAN: "Damn, I forgot my wallet. Exposing my teats should more than cover the bill. Keep the change."

SEAN: "Check it out. My 'bro' can't contain my muscular, manly mams."

SEAN: "Anyone up for a suckle?"

SEAN: "GAYS GONE WILD! Now gimme my t-shirt."

William Shatner revels in all the splendor that is Sean Stewart.

SEAN: "They are NOT fake! I dare you to touch my dude boobs and see for yourself."

SEAN: "You have a stain on your suit? Here, I'll just clean it out on my washboard abs."

SEAN: "You want me to sacrifice my dignity for a record contract? I hope you're happy! *sobs*"

SEAN: "You like what you see? For an additional $5 there's plenty more where that came from."

SEAN: "And for dessert, you can all feast your eyes upon these puppies."

SEAN: "From now on, don't call me Sean, cuz I'm randy, Baby. Yeah!"


Donatella Versace = SEXY

No, this is not a transvestite. It's the cocaine addicted fashion designer, Donatella Versace.

Is it irony that someone SO ugly was put in charge of making beautiful garments?

Donatella wouldn't look all that bad if she brushed her hair over her face.

Can you believe that Donatella ( aka- Leather Face ) is only 52 years old? The woman on the right, Mary Hart, is 5 years older than Versace. Five years is like an eternity as far as women are concerned, and yet Mary STILL looks younger! Even though she's old enough to be my grandmother, I'm not ashamed to say that 57-year-old Mary Hart is actually bedable. And I'd be willing to bet that Mary's voice isn't the only thing of hers that's perky. Rrawr!

Here's a rare photo of Donatella Versace without her makeup.


Juice No Longer Loose

O.J. Simpson was arrested for using a firearm to illegally confiscate his own sports memorabilia.

This charge could carry a lengthy jail sentence if convicted.

If I were to play Devil's Advocate ( aka- a defense lawyer ) I would blame Mr. Simpson's aggression on all the concussions he received during his football career. I wouldn't hesitate to use the Chris Benoit circumstances as Exhibit 'A' to help prove my ground breaking case either.

Simpson would, once again, walk away a free man...but I wouldn't be done with him yet.

I'd then, as O.J.'s imaginary attorney, proceed in bringing up a multi billion dollar Class Action suit against the National Football League for all former NFL players' pain and suffering that have been derived from participating in this physically debilitating profession.


John Kerry Doesn't Believe in Free Speech

John Kerry is a firm believer of speeches that are bought and paid for - like his own at the University of Florida.

I could not believe that a former U.S. presidential candidate could idly stand by as a student ( Andrew Meyer ) was being forcefully removed for asking a question. What the hell happened to FREE SPEECH?

Kerry even went on to answer the student's queries. It's just too bad that Meyer couldn't hear Kerry's response, since he was too busy receiving an agonizing taser to his torso region.

I think Vietnam used to perform acts of torture on its own citizens for questioning their government.

Didn't Kerry fight to liberate Vietnam from such atrocities?


Jackie Chan Looking for Successor

Jackie Chan will be on a show that will attempt to discover an actor who has the cahones to take over his role as the bravest (foolish?) action star this world has ever known.

This someone has to be not afraid of death. For that characteristic alone, I hereby nominate...


No, seriously. Think about it. Wilson has worked with Jackie Chan before and knows him far better than Chris Tucker knows his banker.

Just like Chan, Wilson haucks loogies into the face of death. Owen has tried to kill himself on three different occasions, and yet he still continues to draw breath! Wilson is just like that cheerleader on the TV show Heroes.

Or maybe Hayden Panettiere can be the next uber action hero...or porn star? Does Hayden have a scandalous sex tape the pubic - er - I mean public ought to know about?


Courtney Love = SEXY

" C'mon, give mama Love a kiss! "

Courtney Love ( alleged murderer of her husband, the talented Mr. Kurt Cobain) forgot to put on her lipstick. She claims that her messed up mouth is the result of plastic surgery gone terribly awry.

I personally suspect it's because she forgot to take her herpes medication.

Love then tried to disguise her scabs by caking on half a tube of lipstick. She only made matters worse because she then started to look a lot like Goldie Hawn.

Goldie Hawn praying for rain so that she can drown her sorry self.

I'm still not sure what I'll dress up as for Halloween, but this picture of Goldie made me think of a zombie. I was going to go as Courtney Love or Michael Jackson, but I really have no desire to emotionally traumatize children. Terrorize them, yes. Traumatize them, no.