Tuesday, December 09, 2008


Porn actor, Frank Castle, stars in "Punish Her!".

Punisher: War Zone is about Frank Castle taking out the city's mob bosses in his own vigilante fashion. In the process, a trigger-happy Punisher accidentally kills an undercover agent and creates his own worst enemy, Jigsaw, by failing to properly recycle him.

Ray Stevenson played the title character, and made me forget all about Thomas Jane's portrayal of the mercenary not for hire. And let's not forget the pioneer that paved the way to this insignificant point, Dolph "Don't Call Me Dolphin" Lundgren. Newman from Seinfeld fame was Microchip. Julie Benz, the missionary from Rambo, played the agent's widow. Benz had a New York accent for her first line in the film and then it mysteriously went away. Rhea Pearlman should have been cast as the deceased agent's mom in Benz's stead. Then Rhea's character would use her son's death to guilt trip Frank Castle into a grotesque love tryst. A graphic and explicitly nude love scene from Pearlman ought to evoke many a reaction from the soon to be emotionally traumatized audience.

I had serious doubts upon hearing that a woman was put in charge to direct this manly movie. I was concerned that a female perspective would portray Punisher as a sensitive pacifist. She would have Frank Castle cradle the dying agent in his secure arms, and gently kiss the undercover mole goodbye with his soft, velvety lips, as he passed on to the afterlife. But, thankfully, that was not the case. There were a couple of funny scenes involving sudden violence, but there wasn't enough cinematic originality in regards to the brutality.

The Punisher concept is viable provided it receives the proper imaginative screenplay it deserves. Having said that, this flick is not worth watching at the theater for. It's more of a high quality straight to video feature.


Monday, December 08, 2008


"Will you be my love doll, Raggedy Ann?"

Transporter 3 is about an expert driver who is forced to deliver a package against his better judgment. To ensure that he complies with the customer's needs, Jason Statham is fixed with an exploding bracelet that will detonate if he ventures too far away from his beloved car.

This film was better than the second Transporter, but not quite superior to the first one. The Russian girl, Valentina, seemed to be a cooler character when she was quiet and despondent. Things changed for the worse when she popped some happy pills and became extremely promiscuous. I would have had Valentina continue to be laconic and made Statham's character continually try to wear her down with his impotent English charm.

I saw this flick on Two Dollar Tuesday, so I feel that it was money well spent. There were more than a few continuity flaws and outrageously over the top action, but you come to expect that from the Transporter series. I recommend waiting for it to arrive at your local video store, for it's a ride well worth renting.


Sunday, December 07, 2008


Sleeping is now an elective course offered at Oxford University.

At $40,000/yr., teaching is literally a dream job.

Ghetto teacher, Mr. Knapp, woke up to find his wallet and car keys missing.

For culinary class, hungry Ethiopian students stuffed the teacher's apple into Mr. Knapp's mouth and proceeded to barbecue him.

Mr. Knapp's cruel students laced his coffee with a potent concoction of date rape drugs.

After hearing that Britney Spears might return to school, Mr. Knapp promptly drank some Jones Town flavored Kool-Aid.

Taking advantage of his unconscious state, students took turns peeing into Mr. Knapp's mouth.

Dreaming about retirement...and accompanying female students in the shower after gym class.

Unhappy with their grades, Mr. Knapp's students strangled him with his own Kmart purchased tie.

Frustrated at being unable to teach students of Nimrod, Minnesota on how to spell their own city, Mr. Knapp fatally shot himself.