The First Avenger: Captain America

"I say to hell with anyone who thinks my puffy pirate boots look gay."

In 2011, Marvel Comics plans on releasing a new Captain America movie. They have yet to choose an actor to portray the patriotic superhero. Rumor has it that producers are interested in Mathew McConaughey for the role. Capatain America with a Texan accent? I'm guessing that not a whole lot of thought went into that choice. Although, I might have a more valid contender for the part.



His name is Eric Dane. He plays a cosmetic surgeon on some television show called Grey's Anatomy. Apparently, his character's name is McSteamy. Personally, I wouldn't dishonor a pet hamster with the name of "McSteamy". Not even if the rodent had a penchant for crawling out of its cage and scampering into saunas.

Now I believe Eric Dane has the look to pull off a comic icon such as Captain America, but I am uncertain whether he possesses the acting chops to pull off a character that's essentially an overgrown boyscout.

There's also the fact that Dane's wife, former model Rebecca Gayheart, killed a 9-year-old boy on this very day, 7 years ago. Gayheart was driving and talking on her cell phone when Jorge Cruz Jr. was fatally struck by her SUV while using the crosswalk. Despite being convicted of vehicular boyslaughter, Rebecca Gayheart never served a single day in jail. Instead, the judge felt 3 years probation was punishment enough.



If not Dane, then cast Wilmer Valderrama, who played Fez on TV's That 70's Show. But rename the movie to Captain South America and make it a comedy about being a super hero for those illegally crossing the Mexican/U.S. border. His arch enemy could be Lou Dobbs. Also, instead of a shield, make him use baked tortillas and Tabasco flavored pepper spray as his deadly weapons of choice. Perhaps he could utilize the catch phrase, "Andale, andale! Arriba, arriba! Eh-hah!" to coax the migrating immigrants on towards the promised land.

What Happened to Nikki Cox?

This is Nikki Cox. She used to be on a lame TV show called Las Vegas...and was somewhat attractive.

Below is what she looks like today.


"Eat your diabetic heart out, Mary Tyler Moore."

Cosmetic surgeons can be very cruel people. They arrange for pretty ladies to arrive at their offices for "evaluations" and do their best to convince the potential patients that they can do a far better job on physical improvements than genetics or any God ever could. On top of that, they're paid thousands of dollars by their clients to make them look ridiculously abnormal. As far as job performance goes, cosmetic surgeons rank below meteorologists, who are paid despite frequently incorrectly predicting the weather.



"These chimp lips give me a constant craving for bananas."

Did Nikki Cox specifically request for her doctor to give her grouper fish lips? If so, then mission accomplished!


This is a Julia Roberts grouper feeding on the bottom of the ocean.

I Used to Really Fancy Yancy

37-year-old Yancy Butler was on a TV series called Witch Blade. She'd don a spiked gauntlet and fight crime with it. It only lasted 2 seasons.


"Behold! Feast your eyes upon my silver Dildo of Death!"

Now it seems that Yancy is doing her best to bring back the heroin chic look Calvin Klein models once made popular in the 90's.



"Tim Burton affectionately calls me his Corpse Bride."

This was Yancy Butler last weekend at a comic book convention in New York.

It appears as if she's dating a vampire...and there's little doubt as to who is doing all the sucking in that relationship.