Friday, February 13, 2009


In Singapore, even monkeys are susceptible to public canings.

"Unhand my wife, heathen!"

"Guess what, master? No more monkey business. I quit!"

"Down with humans! I hereby declare this the planet of the apes!"

This monkey decided to reenact the infamous Rodney King beating.

Curious George wonders what will happen if he uses Mr. Chu's head as a pinata.

This primate pimp is about to lay a serious beat down.

"Hey, man! You have to pay before you can play."

Monkey priest caught red handed.

This monkey went ape shit after being sold an over ripe banana.

"Hold her still. I'm going to tap that ass with my tree trunk."

"Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong!"


Monday, February 09, 2009

Celebrites Accused of Murder

"In the words of Judge Dredd and Steven Segal: 'I am above the law.' "

O.J. Simpson was an actor and former star running back for the NFL's Buffalo Bills. He was accused of brutally murdering his ex-wife and her boyfriend. A jury acquitted Simpson of all charges, but some still believe that he was behind the slayings, despite his super realistic portrayal of Detective Nordberg in The Naked Gun movie.

"Call me 'Little Beaver' again and I'll kill you."

Robert Blake
was a child actor in the Our Gang movie series. He went on to star in the popular Baretta television show. Blake was accused and acquitted of murdering his wife, Bonnie Lee Bakley.
Bonnie was waiting outside of a restaurant in Blake's car when she was shot in the head at close range.

It turned out that Bakley occupied her time by sending naked pictures of herself to lonely old men with the promise of visiting them in person in exchange for money. By scamming many elderly individuals out of their life savings, Bakley was able to make multiple real estate purchases. It was also revealed that Bonnie's marriage to Blake was her 10th. Bakley's first marriage was to her 1st cousin, who sired her two eldest children. This proves, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Robert Blake is nothing if not a good judge of character.

"I was absolutely shocked at finding a dead broad in my house."

Phil Spector, the son of Russian Jews (who also happened to be 1st cousins), is a record producer that has made hits with John Lennon, George Harrison, Tina Turner, The Ramones, and the ridiculously super talented Yoko Ono. Spector's first gig in the music business was in 1959 as a member of a band called The Teddy Bears. Legend has it that the group specialized in a genre of music few refer to as the earliest recorded version of death metal.

In 2003, Phil Spector was indicted with murdering a 40-year-old House of Blues hostess, named Lana Clarkson. Lana was found dead inside Phil's mansion with a fatal bullet wound to her mouth. Spector claims Clarkson accidentally committed suicide. On the evening of the unfortunate incident, Lana was performing fellatio to the barrel of his gun when the pistol suddenly blew its load. In 2007, a deadlocked jury caused a mistrial for this case. Jury selection for a new trial was to be conducted in October of 2008.

Sadly, Sid died before he could make unibrows sexy again.

Sid Vicious was the bassist for a punk rock group called the Sex Pistols. The son of a hippie mom and a Buckingham Palace guard father, Sid was also a severe drug addict. Probably due to his conflicting genetic makeup.

In 1978, Sid woke up to find his girlfriend dead on his bathroom floor. She had apparently bled to death from a knife wound to her abdomen. Vicious had no memory of the stabbing because he was extremely high on heroin. Authorities charged Sid for killing his girlfriend.

Years later, a book would be published claiming that a substantial amount of money and drugs was stolen on the night of the murder. The book goes on to name an actor and comedian, named Rockets Redglare, might have been the one who delivered the fatal stab wound to Sid's girlfriend.

Sid never lived long enough to find out the truth. In February of 1979, Vicious was released on bail from a different incident. To celebrate, instead of Chinese takeout, Sid's mom ordered some heroin for her only son. Having been sober for two months while in prison, Sid's tolerance for the drug had substantially decreased. The next day, Vicious' girlfriend found him dead in bed as the result of an overdose. It turns out that the concentration of the heroin injected into the tracked arm of Sid Vicious was 99% pure. The average for what could be bought on the streets at that time was a purity of just 5%.

"Colorization makes me seem extremely creepy."

Roscoe Fatty Arbuckle was an overweight comedic silent film actor. Fatty is credited with helping Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin, and Bob Hope get their big breaks in Hollywood. Being the first actor ever to be paid $1 million per year, Arbuckle was in the prime of his career.

That all changed in 1921 when Fatty's name became entwined in a scandal that instantly besmirched his reputation and haunted him for the remainder of his life. Arbuckle was partying in a hotel room when one of his female guests, Virginia Rappe, complained of abdominal pains. The hotel doctor checked her out and attributed her symptoms to the massive consumption of alcohol she had imbibed. A couple days later Rappe went to the hospital and died of a ruptured bladder. A friend of Virginia told police that the injury was caused by Fatty raping Rappe. After that, rampant, unsubstantiated rumors spread amongst the front pages of nationally published newspapers (the birth of the tabloid?). After three court trials it was found that Ms. Rappe's friend had a lengthy rap sheet that included fraud and extortion.

Being exonerated of any wrong doing didn't come cheap for Roscoe. His marriage was over,
he lost his house and cars, had to pay $700,000 to his attorneys, and his career was essentially ruined.

John Holmes auditioning for the villain in James Bond's Octopussy.

John Holmes (no relation to Katie) was an adult film legend who had appeared in 2,274 pornographic movies. By the late 70's, Holmes had been a cocaine addict for many years, which eventually led him to not being able to "perform". To support his insatiable drug habit, John made money by committing credit card fraud, theft, delivering illegal narcotics, and prostituting himself to women...and even men.

In 1981, while under the employment of the Wonderland Gang (gayest gang name EVER!), Holmes was caught skimming cash on a couple drug runs. Unable to pay back the gang, John told them of a house where they could steal jewelery, drugs and other valuable items that would more than pay them back in full. Holmes brought the gang to his new acquaintance's house, Eddie Nash. What the gang didn't know was that Eddie Nash was the most powerful drug dealer on the West Coast. Nash strongly suspected that Holmes knew who was behind his burglary and forced him to lead Eddie to the culprits.
Nash sent Holmes and his thugs to the Wonderland Gang's house. After that, things got rather messy. Eddie's goons bludgeoned every gang member there, while Jefferson Starship's "White Rabbit" song was playing in the background. One homicide detective would later say that the Wonderland murder scene was more bloodier than Charles Manson's.

Fearing the wrath of Nash, Holmes refused to answer questions regarding the incident and fled from authorities. Six months later, the police arrested him in Florida. Still refusing to relay what he knew about the Wonderland incident, John was ultimately found not guilty of the murders, but imprisoned for a few months in 1982 for other minor crimes he had committed.

Once released from jail, Holmes got back into the porn industry. By then, John wasn't top stud anymore and the pay for men had diminished considerably. In 1985, Holmes was diagnosed with AIDS. By 1986, the disease caused him to look emaciated. The "Holocaust" look in was not deemed attractive, so his porn career in North America came (tee-hee) to an abrupt end. John's over achieving manager was somehow able to find him work in European porn films. In 1988, John Holmes died of AIDS related complications.

The Hollywood films, Wonderland, and Boogie Nights (donkey dick) were loosely based off of John Holmes' life.


Homicidal Celebrities

"Does this suit make my head look fat?"
In 1969, a married Ted Kennedy left his chauffeur and a party he was attending behind to supposedly drive Miss Mary Jo Kopechne
, a former secretary of his assassinated brother ( Robert), back to her hotel. Along the way, Ted somehow managed to drive his car off a bridge and land upside down in a pond. Ted swam safely to shore, while abandoning his lady friend. Kennedy walked back to the party he drove from and went straight to his hotel room. For some unknown reason Ted failed to take the time to report the incident even though operational telephones were present in his hotel lobby. Even on his walk back to the party, Kennedy passed four houses that possessed phones in them, not once taking the time to call or ask for help.

The next morning, two local fishermen saw Ted's overturned vehicle in the pond and immediately notified the nearest household, who then right away phoned the authorities. That very same morning, Mr. Kennedy was seen using a payphone (Hel-lo!) at the time he witnessed his car being hauled out of the pond. Only then did Ted Kennedy report his "accident" to the police.
John Farrar was the diver that discovered Kopechne's body and concluded that she was found in the area of the vehicle where an air bubble would have formed, indicating that she was most likely alive for some time after the initial crash. Farrar also stated that had he been notified within 5 to 10 minutes of the accident taking place, there was a very strong possibility of him being able to retrieve Mary Jo Kopechne from the wreck alive.

Edward "Ted" Kennedy did not serve a single night in jail for Kopechne's death. The judge dismissed a minimum 2 month stint in the slammer and the District Attorney didn't bother to pursue manslaughter charges against the boozing, womanizing senator.

"I didn't choose this shirt - the alcohol did."

Keith Moon was a drummer for the rock band The Who. Moon had somehow angered a group of Skinheads after leaving a pub. In his haste to get away from the hostile mob, he started up his Bentley and ran over his friend, bodyguard, and chauffeur, Neil Boland. On that dreadful night, Keith had little choice but to drive himself home.

No charges of vehicular manslaughter were ever laid against Moon. The authorities ruled it "accidental".

"Mr.King, how many years you spend in jail for 2 murders?"

Don King is a boxing promoter who has worked with the likes of Muhammad Ali, George Foreman, and Mike Tyson. Mr. King killed two people back in the 1950's. The first victim was shot in the back, while attempting to rob one of Don's gambling houses. That killing was deemed a justifiable homicide by authorities. The second death occurred when Don King loaned $600 to an employee of his. The employee was unable to pay it back, so the 6ft 2in. Mr. King proceeded to viciously stomp his worker to death. Authorities deemed that excessively unjustifiable. Don King served 4 years in prison for manslaughter then became a multimillionaire by ripping off many of the boxers he promoted. "Only in America!"

"Thanks to me Lincoln's head is on the U.S. penny!"

John Wilkes Booth was a famous theater actor who assassinated the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln. While watching a play, Booth shot Lincoln point blank in the back of the head. John served no jail time because he was tracked down to a tobacco barn and shot through the neck as he fled the blaze. The bullet severed Booth's spine and caused him to be paralyzed from the neck down. Unable to swat a determined swarm of hungry mosquitoes away, John Wilkes died 3 hours later from massive blood loss.

"Anyone up for a friendly game of Russian Roulette?"

William S. Burrows was an author and chronic morphine addict, who shot his wife dead in Mexico, while attempting to shoot an apple off the top of her head (Whoops.). Thanks to his brother bribing Mexican officials, Burrows served next to no jail time for the incident. Willy is famous for writing the book, Naked Lunch, which was made into a movie starring Peter Weller, of RoboCop fame.

Despite being completed 63 years ago,
And the Hippos Boiled in Their Tanks was published for the first time in November of 2008. The title might suggest that the book is a humorous story for children, but it's based off of Mr. Burrows' real life experience involving a murder his good friend committed upon a gay pal that kept making unwanted sexual advances towards him. William's murdering buddy confessed the crime to him and Burrows failed to report the incident to police, so he spent a short time in jail for it. The irony was that Burrows' convicted friend was ultimately unable to discourage all of the sexual advances he received in the pokey.

The Crap Collection.

John Singleton, director of the forgettable Hollywood movies above, struck a drunken female pedestrian with his vehicle. Singleton stayed at the scene until police arrived. John gave his statement and then went on his merry way once the ambulance arrived. Constance Russell would later die of her injuries at the hospital. No charges were filed against Singleton. In addition, no charges were filed against him for making the modern movie version of Shaft, either. Where's the justice?

Dude really does look like a lady.

In 1984, Vince Neil, lead singer of Motley Crue, drove his friend Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley to the nearest liquor store. The only problem was that Vince Neil was already drunk. He subsequently crashed his exotic sports car into another vehicle, seriously injuring the two occupants. Razzle died at the scene as a result of his injuries. Vince Neil's blood alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit of .08 .

Neil's punishment was a month in jail, 5 years probation, 300 hours of community service, and $2.5 million in restitution to the affected families. For "good behavior" Vince Neil only had to spend 15 days in jail. Good behavior? Does that mean that Vince didn't scream, sob, or complain while giving "lip service" to the inmates of his entire cell block?

In 2003, while at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, Vince Neil nearly choked out a hooker. Ambulance attendants attributed her deep-throating skills as to saving her life.

"I'm in a new band called 'Road Kill'."

In late 2006, R & B singer, Brandy Norwood, caused a 4 car accident when she smashed into slower traffic on a Los Angeles freeway. This resulted in the death of a 38-year-old married mother of one. Authorities never charged Norwood with vehicular manslaughter due to "insufficient evidence".

The dead woman's family is now going forth with a $50 million wrongful death lawsuit that will take place in April of 2009. To cover her legal fees, Brandy Norwood is going to release her version of the Sammy Hagar song "I Can't Drive...FIFTY FIVE!".

"Watch out for my dangerous curves."

In 2001, Rebecca Gayheart killed nine-year-old Jorge Cruz, Jr. with her 4,000lbs. SUV. While driving, Gayheart was talking on her cellphone when she involuntarily turned young Jorge into a speed bump. Jorge was chasing after his soccer ball when other vehicles stopped to let him cross the street. Not wanting to slow down, Gayheart quickly maneuvered around the static vehicles ahead of her to pass them, and as a result, struck Jorge Cruz Junior.

A day later, the little boy died. Criminal charges where then filed. While awaiting her trial, Gayheart flipped a car she had been renting onto two parked vehicles. Declaring that Rebecca is an accident waiting to happen is a ludicrous understatement.

Later that same year, Gayheart pleaded no contest to vehicular manslaughter. However, Rebecca got zero jail time for it. She received 3 years probation, a $2,800 fine, 750 hours of community service, a public-service announcement, and a one year suspension of her driver's license. No, that's not a misprint. It was just a ONE year suspension. If I didn't know any better, Rebecca Gayheart must have hired the best attorney in the world...or slept with the judge and had a 3-way with them.

Jorgie's parents then filed a wrongful death suit against Rebecca to pay for hospital expenses, funeral costs, and compensation for loss of future earnings (The kid was 9 and already working???). It was eventually settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.

Since the accidents, Rebecca Gayheart's repeated attempts to obtain her license to drive a school bus have been blatantly denied.

Ferris Bueller has definitely seen better days.

Matthew Broderick is an actor who has starred in films such as Godzilla, Cable Guy, The Lion King (voice of adult Simba) and Inspector Gadget. He is currently married to HBO's Sex in the City star, Sarah Jessica Parker.

In 1987, while vacationing in Ireland with his then fiance Jennifer Grey (who played his little sister in Ferris Bueller's Day Off), Broderick was driving directly into oncoming trafic. This caused Mathew to collide into the car of Anna Gallagher and her mom, Margaret Doherty. Both were instantly killed on impact. Broderick suffered a fractured leg, broken ribs, a collapsed lung, concussion symptoms, and no recollection of the accident whatsoever. Irish police charged Broderick with the less serious charge of "careless driving". By doing so, Matthew was only fined $350 (as long as the payment was accompanied with a bottle of fine whiskey). The victim's family went on to say that Broderick's punishment was "a travesty of justice".

In 2003, Matthew supposedly talked to the victim's family to give them some "sense of closure" regarding the accident. Most likely, he probably gave them autographed photos of himself.

"Look into my crazy eyes, son, and tell me that I can't eff you up."

Don't let the sweet, seemingly harmless face of Laura Bush fool you, for it is the visage of a scornful killer!

In 1963, 17-year-old Laura Lane Welch ran a stop sign. This resulted in smashing her car into the driver's side of the most popular boy in Robert E. Lee High School, Michael Dutton Douglas. Laura only sustained minor injuries from the collision, but Douglas was pronounced dead on arrival at Midland Memorial Hospital. Zero charges or fines were filed against Laura, the daughter of a wealthy real estate developer.

Some reports even indicate that Laura and Michael Dutton Douglas were more than just casual school acquaintances. Some say that the two were briefly romantically involved when Douglas abruptly ended the relationship.

In 2008, Laura's husband, former U.S. President George W. Bush, completely exonerated his wife just to be on the safe side.


Sunday, February 08, 2009

I've Seen TAKEN

Aslan making use of his firearms permit.

This movie is about an American spy who retires early and relocates to be closer to his beloved daughter. Then some human traffickers make the mistake of stealing his teenage daughter. He then makes a promise over the phone to the culprits that he will find them, and that's when this story starts to become entertaining.

This flick is a mix between the films Death Wish and Patriot Games. Although, there was a bit of humor when Neesom's first lead goes suddenly cold. Actually, I seemed to be the only one in the theater laughing a tad too heartily at that scene. "Honk! Honk! SLAM!!!" Ah, comedy gold.

Neesom's character reminding me of a vindictive Abraham Lincoln, I still recommned seeing this feature at full price at your local cinema.