Friday, December 22, 2006

Star Wars

No, not the one whose storyline revolves around an incestuous love triangle.

I'm talking about the one where over privileged celebrities sling verbal poo at each other. That one tends to be a tad more entertaining. Nothing says Merry F'n Christmas quite like good old fashioned slander!

Rosie O'Donnell vs Kelly Rippa

Guest co-host, Clay Aiken, rudely put his hand over Kelly Ripa's mouth during a live interview. Kelly pushed away his hand and said, "That's a no, no. I don't know where that hand has been."

RoD's take on that situation was that Kelly Ripa had made a "homophobic remark". WHAT?!? Does O'Donnell consult with the crazy voices in her head during the commercial break? That's along the lines of making the claim that I'm a racist for tying my shoelaces. Well, according to Rosie it might be:

ROSIE: "The loops you made from your shoelaces resemble the nooses used during the lynchings of many African Americans."

That does it, Rosie! I'm going to pretend to sue you for making those imaginary defamatory remarks.

Rachel Ray vs Martha Stewart

Martha was caught sending her employees to spy on Rachel Ray's new show by sneaking them in the guise of legitimate audience members. When asked on Howard Stern's radio program about that, Stewart responded:

STEWART: “I’m the mother of these how-to shows. She cannot cook like I cook. She cannot craft like I craft.”

She forgot to mention that she's also a cold hearted hag. Don't worry Martha, I got your back.

RAY: “Anybody from Martha’s show or anybody’s show is always welcome. The tickets are free. And we have snacks.”

Aww, isn't Rachel sweet? How could anybody be terse with her? All Ray has to do is flash her million dollar smile and all her annoyances just melt away. Awww.

Donald Trump vs Rosie O'Donnell

FAT ASS: "And there he is, hair looping, going 'Everyone deserves a second chance. He annoys me on a multitude of levels. He's the moral authority? Left the first wife, had an affair, left the second wife, had an affair. Had kids both times, but he's the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America. Donald, sit and spin, my friend."

TRUMP: "Well Rosie is a loser. Rosie’s been a loser for a long time. Her magazine failed. She got sued. She folded up like a tent. Rosie is a failure. She’s not smart. She’s crude. She’s ignorant, and to be honest, I look forward to suing Rosie."

TRUMP: "Rosie is a very unattractive woman but as unattractive as she is on the outside, she’s even worse on the inside, and she’s very lucky to have a nice girlfriend."

Yeah, what DOES Kelli Carpenter see in that doughy woman that looks like a female version of an unfit Michelin Man? Ohhhh. Kelli has a thing for cartoon mascots.

What's your problem, wrinkle nuts? Quit judging me with your contemptuous stare. No seriously. Enough already.


Rachael Ray Doesn't Hang Mistle Toe

I think this may be a vid cap from Rachael Ray's Halloween show.

This might also be fake, for the face looks like it could be Jennifer Aniston's little sister after one too many hot totties.

If this pic was photo shopped then Martha Stewart must be behind it. Not because I think she's a whiz with graphic manipulation, I just generally blame Martha for all the wrongs in this world.

But imagine if the above pic was genuine and that particular show's guest, on that day, happened to be Kelly Ripa...and she was scheduled to make tacos?


I think not.

No, seriously, I'm incapable of coherently thinking.


Thursday, December 21, 2006

Dubai is Growing Like a Malignant Tumor

Say hello to Dubai. This is what Dubai looked like a mere 16 years ago.

Below is what the same area looks like today. Hold on. Another skyscraper just went up. That picture is already out dated.

What makes this city in the Middle East grow so fast? You'd think it was revenues generated by oil, but that only makes up for 6% of Dubai's gross national product. Dubai is essentially a port that transports or stores that part of the world's goods.

Which is a good thing because Dubai will be lucky if it has enough oil to last them another 15 years. So, the leaders of that region have heavily invested in Dubai's future, which they hope will be tourism and more business establishments.

It is said that up to a ¼ of all the cranes in the world are currently being utilized in Dubai.

Dubai has the biggest developed waterfront in our entire Solar System...and it's still growing.

This is Palm Island. It supposedly can be seen from space. This isn't even the biggest of the 3 man made islands currently being constructed.

This is the biggest. It's called the World Islands. It consists of 300 islands that each cost around $30 million to make.

This is Hydropolis. The first ever underwater hotel.

Ever hear of a five star hotel? Well, this one is the only one rated with SEVEN star accommodations. It is also currently the tallest hotel in the world.

When completed, THIS will be the tallest hotel in the world.

This building is called the Burj Dubai. When completed, it will be over 2,600 feet tall. That is 40% higher than the current tallest title holder, Taipei 101.

The Al Burj building is expected to be even taller than the Burj Dubai. The exact prospected heights are kept top secret because the builders of both buildings hope to create the taller structure.

In 2008, you can shop until you drop while browsing this mall's 1000 stores.

Ever hear of Disney Land? Well this is Dubai Land. It's 6 billion square feet of amusement facilities (no, not whore houses) .

This is their sport stadium complex. It will be located within Dubai Land.

Ever want to snowboard in the middle of a dessert? Well now you can year round in the world's biggest indoor ski facility.

As well as an airport, Dubai will also have a spaceport for which space shuttle tours can land.
Justin Timberlake's New Christmas Carol Classic

Not since Bing Crosby's White Christmas has there been such a festive furor over a catchy seasonal tune. It's called My Dick in a Box. Hopefully, it will eventually take the commercialism out of Christmas.
Natasha Lyonne Isn't Doing So Well On Her Own

Remember her? She played Jessica in the American Pie movies. Supposedly, she's now addicted to crack. No, not ass-crack. The kind you buy in little baggies off of suppliers named Mookie or Cracker Jack Jones.

Ms. Lyonne recently had to appear in court for breaking down a neighbor's door and threatening to molest her dog. I must say that is indeed a unique greeting. "Hello. How are you doing?" is a phrase that is so passé.

Lyonne's expression in the picture below reveals that she's contemplating whether or not she ought to swallow the sour spunk of that back alley homeless dude she blew for a $5 uncertified check. If I was a casting agent, I'd only hire her for the straight-to-video jacket cover of Coyote Ugly 2.

Oh, how far she's have fallen. Mind you, she was never all that high up to begin with. It just seemed that way when tweaked.


Sunday, December 17, 2006

Thanks to Ed Norton-No Oscar Goodie Bag

In 2007, the Oscars will go without their legendary bag of treats that were estimated to be valued well in excess of $100,000 each. Celebrities got them for just showing up to the stupid event. What I want to know is where is my compensation for watching that extremely dull program year after year? (Alright, who just threw a dunce cap at me?)

The U.S. Internal Revenue Service got smart and forced The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to hand out tax forms to everyone who received free gifts. The IRS Commissioner, Mark Everson, said, "There's no red carpet loophole for the stars." And nor should there be!

What I love about this story is that an accomplished actor, Edward Norton, made some noise about how actors are spoiled beyond belief with gifts at these unimportant gatherings. He said:

"A lot of us have talked to the Academy Awards producers about this and I think they're actually going to scuttle the gift baskets and that kind of stuff. I mean the gift baskets, worth amounts of money that a low income family could live on for a year, (are given to) people who have so much already. It gets depressing. You sit there, going, 'This is an embarrassment.'"

Bravo, Eddie. Bravo. I can call you "Eddie", right? No? Why not?

How many award shows will it take to sate the ego of an already fortunate celebrity? I can see someone who saved an old lady from drowning in a freezing pond rightly deserving an award. Actors get paid millions for just saying their lame lines or reading off of a Lite Brite teleprompter.

In grade school, when I came in 2nd for our district's Spelling Bee, all I got was a 20¢ off coupon for my next purchase of a McDonald's hamburger. I should've just tore up the nearly worthless piece of paper, threw it back at the Corvette-driving Principal's face, and told him to stick it. S-T-I-C-K-- I-T. As in stick it up your ass until you start to fart confetti!

Anyways, I'm sure many conceited stars are going to boycott the 2007 Academy Awards, while doing their best to spread untrue rumors that Edward Norton is a gay Jew hating Nazi.


Dr. Phil Suffers a Lapse in Judgement

Dr.Phil goes through the trouble of calling up the promoter of Bum Fights (a DVD showcasing vagabonds throwing down), booking him a five star hotel room, and buying him a first class airfare ticket to arrive at his show's studio...just so he could tell him that he doesn't like what he's about and then send him on his way.

Want some advice, Doc? Next time, pick up a device called a telephone and cancel your appointment. It's not like you've never ever had numerous clients give you the same courtesy.

Personally, I think Philly Cheese Steak McGraw just felt threatened that his wife, sitting in the audience, would find the skinny Dr. Phill more sexually appealing. I believe Keith Richards attached to an intravenous bag is more arousing than Phil. Should I go there? Oh, hella yeah: At this very second, Peter Boyle, from Everybody Loves Raymond, is sexier than "Doctor" Phil. I'd also be willing to bet that Robin McGraw's dusty old vagina probably got more than a bit moist at viewing those strapping, sex starved hobos frolicking in the ghetto.