Wednesday, April 23, 2008


Dallas Stars hockey star, Mike Modano, in drag.

The movie should have starred the dude pictured above, Russell Brand, because he was the only one with consistently funny lines. In Forgetting Sarah Marshall, the lead character, Jason Segel's, idea of humor was lots of scenes involving full frontal male nudity. To add to the discomfort of being forced to endure male genitalia jiggling upon the big screen, my row consisted primarily of senior citizen aged women. To my astonishment, the elderly lady sitting right next to me laughed (uproariously so) much more throughout the movie than I ever did.

The plot is cliche and formulaic. Girl breaks up with boy. Boy meets new girl. Boy ends up with new girl. I had the ending figured out during the beginning credits. For a moment there, I felt like The Amazing Kreskin and, needless to say, it wasn't a good feeling.

I rate this film a date rental. It would have been worth full price to see at the theater if Kristen Bell or Mila Kunis exposed a bit of boob, but, alas, the audience wasn't so fortunate. It turns out the topless picture of Ms. Kunis in the flick was fake. That was quite evident when the nudie pic of Mila displayed breasts that were at least a couple of cup sizes bigger than what she honestly possesses in real life. She probably hired George Lucas' special effects team to assist in making her photographic dream chest come true.


Tuesday, April 22, 2008


Keanu feeling threatened by the acting ability of a cardboard prop.

Street Kings is a movie about Keanu Reeves' character, a successful dirty cop, whose estranged former partner brutally dies right before his eyes. This incident suddenly awakens the part of Keanu's brain responsible for ethics. Having a morality epiphany forces Keanu's character to take down the co-working comrades that have supposedly been looking out for his best interests.

This film is decent. It won't make you imitate Neo, from The Matrix, and compel you say, "Whoa." Although, it's definitely worth seeing for half price on Cheap Tuesdays. I compare it to being not as good as Denzel Washington's Training Day, but almost.

This flick would have also worked as a comedy. Just have it star Will Farrell, Harvey Keitel, and Jason Segel and rename it Streakings.


Sunday, April 20, 2008

Richard Quest Reporting Live from the Pokey

Richard Quest is a top ranking reporter for CNN. The other day, at 3:40 in the morning, Mr. Quest and a male companion were stopped by a police officer patrolling Central Park in New York. All over the area were signs stating that the park was closed between the hours of 1am and 6am. Richard must be a piss poor reporter because he stated to the officer that he was unaware of the park's curfew. When the cop performed a physically stimulating search on Mr. Quest he found a small bag of meth in his pocket, a sex toy in his boot, and a rope around his neck that was attached to his genitals. BUSTED!

If I was Richard Quest's lawyer, I'd say that the esteemed reporter was working undercover on a story that would have eventually blown the seamy roof off of the mysterious, yet enchanting, life of a homosexual male prostitute. Also known as: Project Boy Toy Story. Richard's code name would have been "Woody".

All is not totally lost if Richard is found guilty in a court of law, for he could change his name to Dick Quest and become a gay porn performer. Or he might take over for Dame Edna and call himself Dick the Queen.

No word on who Mr. Quest's companion was.

"Why does everyone refer to me as Anderson 'Up the Pooper' Cooper?"