Saturday, March 10, 2007

I've Seen 300


"Ooo, your muscles are all knotted up. I can fix that."

This movie ROCKED!

Did your girlfriend force you to waste money on the chick flick/date movie Music & Lyrics?

Well, now you can exact your revenge by telling her 300 is a sappy, romance film about undying love during the Roman era.

She'll then be treated to yelling, fighting, bloodshed, decapitations, impalings, and a rape scene. If that doesn't get her into the mood, dump her cottage cheese looking ass.

It made sense that the lead character, Gerard Butler, had a law degree in real life after I heard him scream, "Have no mercy and take no prisoners!"

The dialogue in this film is memorable and quite quotable.


At the end of this movie I felt like organizing an army of 300 to take over all of Mexico. But I only managed to round up 4 people. That barely adds up to a posse, much less an army.


This movie is definitely worth seeing again in the theater AND purchasing the DVD when it becomes available.


"Madness? THIS. IS. SPARTA!!! "

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Friday, March 09, 2007

Van Halen in Rehab



Eddie went from looking like his wife, Valerie Bertenelli, to a crazy homeless person.



Drug abuse prevention programs can now use Eddie's old and recent photos to demonstrate the physical toll meth does to a body.
Next, the government wants to place Keith Richards' picture on the back of cigarette packages as a deterrent to younger folk who think it's kool to light up.


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Gisele Bundchen: The Assless Wonder


It's been said that the manly looking model, Gisele Bundchen, does not like being photographed from behind.

The reason for this is because Bundchen's bum embarrasses her.


Wow. That is ONE tiny hiney.

The only other time I've seen a butt smaller than that was on a cartoon called King of the Hill.


Next to Gisele Bundchen, Hank Hill's butt must look like Jennifer Lopez's.

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Joss is a Stone Cold Fox



Although she has undeniable talent, I find Joss extremely gross to look at.

When complete strangers come up to me and ask what they should do when they've accidentally swallowed copious amounts of antifreeze, I tell them to induce vomitting by looking at a picture of Joss Stone.

Don't be surprised if the name of Stone's next album will be "A Face for Radio".

I would like to see Joss Stone team up with Kelly Clarkson. They can then form a group called DUD, which would stand for Damn Ugly Divas.

There will also be an open invitation for Mariah Carey and Charlotte Church to join. If that happens, the group will then change their name to The Fuglies.

They could then sell the rights to their music making history tale to Hollywood producers, for the purpose of putting it onto the silver screen.



Here are some casting considerations:


Joss Stone will be played by the lovely Jocelyn Wildenstein.






And Kelly Clarkson would be portrayed by T.R. Knight, from Grey's Anatomy.






Submitted by guest writer: A.R.

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith: Suicide Blonde?


"Shh! I hear a herd of buffalo approaching..."

According to Dannilyn Smith's former nanny, Quethlie Alexis, she claimed that Anna Nicole Smith had tried to commit suicide on two separate occasions.

The first attempt was by downing an entire bottle of sleeping aid. Kool-Aid laced with Strychnine? Your guess is as good as mine.

The second try at suicide came by way of attempting to drown herself in her own swimming pool.

The silly woman forgot that her immense breast implants possessed floating properties greater than that of a lifejacket.

Live and learn.

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Sharon the Stone Cold Faux


I'm not certain when this picture of Sharon Stone was taken, but I'm going to wager a guess that it was soon after winning her 2007 Razzie Award for Worst Actress.

Another award she could have hung up on her mantelpiece was Worst Application of Own Makeup.


Not surprisingly, Sharon Stone's next role involves her playing a septuagenarian who thinks she is still economically viable in big budget Hollywood movies.

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Heather Mills Dances with the Stars


Heather Mills is Paul McCartney's one legged ex-wife that took the former Beetle to the cleaners by leaving the marriage with over 200 million of Paul's hard earned dollars.

Now this former fetish model wants to participate in the next Dancing with the Stars tournament on television.

If I was a producer of that show, I'd have a segment where the contestants would have to dance to music they were not priorly made aware of, or they would forfeit their chance on winning the competition. I would then surprise Ms. Mills with having her Turkey Trot to the music of Kanye West's hit song, Gold Digger.

And to make things more interesting, Heather would have to dance to that song with the entire floor covered in discarded banana peels.

The next part would involve Heather Mills waltzing to a live performance of ZZ Top's She's Got Leg.

And finally, Mills would have to execute a River Dance jig without having her prosthetic leg fly off into the audience.

Now that would make for some mighty fine television.

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Carlos Mencia Suffers from Dementia


Have you lost your train of thought?

Call Ned Holness, because chances are real good that he stole it.

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