Saturday, January 17, 2009


"Yeah, I bought this tie. You have a goddamn problem with that?"

Grand Torino is a about a cranky old, Korean War vet who recently becomes a widower. A Chinese family moves in next door to him and his peaceful existence is turned upside down.

This flick is riddled with good intentioned politically incorrect racial and ethnic slurs, so the dialogue was much to my liking. In fact, one of the few good things going for this film was Clint Eastwood's lines. Another rare treat was hearing Mr. Eastwood sing during the end credits. At least I think it was Clint. Thinking back to the tone of the voice, it could very well have been Rolf from The Muppet Show.

"Hi kids! Today we're going to learn the difference between the words 'pianist' and 'penis'."

All the Asian actors were first timers fresh off the street (or boat?) and it really, really showed. Especially with the lead female Oriental, Sue Lor. On more than one occasion, I had to physically restrain myself from standing up and yelling, "Boo! You royally sucky-sucky as an actress! Save yourself further humiliation and remove your top already!" Personally, I've seen more convincing acting from Steve Burns of Blue's Clues fame.

Steve Burns rates Blue's lovemaking technique.

Although the storyline is rather predictable, I still recommend watching Grand Torino when it is released on DVD. You'll feel much less ripped off than if you rented Zack & Miri Ruin a Porno and Scam Viewers Into Thinking that this Sorry Excuse for a Film is a Comedy.


Sunday, January 11, 2009

I Haven't Seen DEAD SNOW...

...but I want to.

Zombie movies are plentiful in Hollywood, but this is one has a foreign flair to it. Plus, it's pretty hard to mess up a film if you have zombies, Nazis, action, graphic gore, and comedy all rolled into one.

Pretty hard, that is unless your name is M. Night Shyamalan. That grossly overpaid, washed up hack based the plot of The Happening (original title was Shit Happens) on the premise that trees talk to each other. No explanation was ever given. Not even during his DVD commentary, where he's constantly imitating the annoyingly obnoxious voice of John Lovitz. The viewer is forced to just take
Shim Sham Shyamalan's word for it. I can't believe producers actually forked over $60 million to make that flick happen. M. Night must have extraordinary oral skills.

Just off of the top of my soft head I've come up with a quick tree conversation:

FIR: "Hey, you dropped something."

OAK: "I did?"

FIR: "Yeah, you dropped a leaf. Want me to pick it up?"

OAK: "If you please. That would be great!"

FIR: "I can't. I'm a tree. Such is my burden."

OAK: "May a forest fire slowly consume you."

FIR: "And may you get nibbled to death by a rogue herd of hamsters."

A 5 second pause...then the trees begin to slap fight, until a Boy Scout troop break them up and use them as kindling to fuel a massive bonfire. THE END. Tee-dah! Now where's my $60 million?

"My last name translated into English means 'The Asian Rick Moranis'."