Saturday, December 09, 2006

Bai Ling Joins Cast of Lost

This season, Ms. Ling will be on a few episodes of Lost, playing a woman on a quest to find her missing brassiere.

Yo, Bai! Buy a damn bra! I promise that it won't break your bank. I swear she walks around as if she's being constantly followed by National Geographic photographers.

What kind of name is "Bai Ling" anyways? I take it her parents were a little more than inspired by the captive panda exhibit they saw at their local zoo.


Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Secret Life of Chewbacca

Did you know that Chewbacca from Star Wars was a family man? (I have video proof of my claim at the bottom of this post.)

Apparently, he has a wife named Nala. That name is normal sounding enough. His son's name is Lumpy and his scraggly, toothless dad's name is Itchy. What the hell possessed a galactic hero to name his son Lumpy?!? I'm suspecting that Itchy had a strong say in the matter. And where did the name "Itchy" come from? He must have earned that moniker from years of keeping himself unkempt. Fleas and lice can be a bitch...or so I hear. *scratch* *scratch*


Is it me, or does Itchy have more than a striking resemblance to Pai Mei from Kill Bill:Vol. 2?


He looks worried here.
Almost as if he's afraid of telling you that he "accidentally" took a large dump in the middle of your brand new carpet.

Chewbacca's illegitimate love child.

This offspring was the result of Chewy getting romantically involved with a Shih Tzu in heat at an S.P.C.A. fundraiser.
No need for paternity testing here.

For those curious ( and sick in the head ) here's the mother.

What Wookie could resist that super fine piece of ass?

The clip is kind of boring, due to the fact that it has NO subtitles. Where's Han Solo when you need a translator? For some inexplicable reason, I found the Cirque du Solei act at the end disturbingly creepy. *shudders*


Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Screech's Nasty Porn Footage

And no, I havn't seen it in its entirety - THANK GOD! But I did have the misfortune of watching the preview of it after Thanks Giving dinner. Having done that, I was immediately thankful that I didn't throw up partially digested turkey bits all over my expensive, flat pannelled computer monitor. It's only a hunch, but I kind of doubt that the warranty will cover dammage due to vomit saturation.

Thoughout the preview, Diamond kept saying, "Show me your titties. Let's see your couchie." I grew up watching Screech on reruns of the Sataurday morning TV show, Saved by the Bell. In a million years I would never have guessed that this goofy Hollywood reject would have ever uttered those words - even during his Honeymoon!

I found it extremely uncomfortable watching Dustin Diamond participating in an amature sex video with two girls at a batchelorette party. Especially the part where "The D-Man" pops his finger into a drunken slut's "fish eye" and then surprises the permiscuous bride-to-be with a Dirty Sanchez.

Did you know that the original pilot of Saved by the Bell starred Brian Austin Green (from Beverly Hills 90210) and Jaleel White (Urkle from Family Matters)? You did? Well I, sure as hell, didn't! >8(

Dustin showing off his sexy new Man-Perm.

This creature is called the Western Screech-Owl.

Sadly, without even trying, that gay looking bird is ten times cooler than Dustin Diamond...and always will be.


Craig Wants Gay Scene for Next Bond

Hmm, now that you mention it, that gun could be seen as symbolism for a certain part of the male anatomy.

James Bond as a homocidal homosexual? Daring, indeed, but that wasn't the kind of "action" I was anticipating for the next 007 installment.

I was thinking more along the lines of big bangs, explosions, and shooting scenes. Okay, is it me or does the previous sentence sound like something a porn director would actually say?

If producers are going to allow for this to happen, here's how I think it ought to go down -er- I mean happen:

Mr. Bond is lured into a trap, because he has yet to know who his enema - I mean, enemy is. Once captured, it is revealed to James that the bad guys are played by Mick Jagger and David Bowie. The wrinkly rockers start kissing and groping each other once the cheesy porn music is cued, and then the scene fades to black with Bond screaming like Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds, while begging for a blindfold.

The powers that be should also title that film: James Bondage: Licenced to Drill & Thrill or Double Oh! Sixty-Nine.

Imagine if studio exectutives decided to re-edit past James Bond films to place more gay scenes in them. They would probably have to change the titles of them too. For example:

Dr. No to Dr. Feelgood: Proctologist

Goldfinger to Fudgefinger

Thunderball to the obvious Big Balls of Thunder

You Only Live Twice to You Only Came Twice?

Moonraker to Man Raper

Octopussy to Octopenis

The Living Daylights to The Fading Gay Lights (Not sure what that pertains to either)

and finally...

Golden Eye to Brown Eye

If the next Bond film is going to have James sport a thong Speedo throughout the movie, they might as well go ahead and label it a comedy.


A Secret of Britney Spears Revealed

I'm not sure when or where this picture was taken, but I now have figured out how Britney comes up with her alluring smells for her perfume lines.

She has an Odor Expert flown in from France, has him sniff and rate a variety of Ms. Spears' farts, and then bottles the appropriate scent for production.

In the above photo, I believe we are witnessing the essense of Curious being captured.


Kid Rock and Pam Anderson SPLIT

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Now I realize that this is OLD news, but I might have come across the real reson as to why the pair's marriage failed.

A little birdie has informally informed me that Pamela Anderson was heavily involved with someone by the name of "Peta". Now, I'm not sure if it's Peta Griffin, of Family Guy fame, but if it's true, it would seem that Ms. Anderson has certainly traded up.