Saturday, December 16, 2006

Jeff Dunham + Walter = Rude

I don't need to set this up. Let the cranky puppet speak for itself.
Britney Spears NEEDS Wonder Bra Sponsorship

Must be close to a defcon 1 alert because Britney is ready to launch her misshapen torpedo tits. What a patriot. Er, I mean idiot.

Isn't this dangerous? I mean what if Mrs.Spears spontaneously lactates on the ground before her bare hillbilly feet, while carrying her two doomed-to-fail-at-life babies? I hear that spilt milk is much more slippery than an oil slick and over ripe banana peels combined.

What I don't understand is why haven't the authorities arrested Britney Spears for the numerous counts of indecent exposure she has already committed?

Does this mean I, too, can walk around Hollywood and flash my naughty bits to whomever I please? If that is indeed the case, then what the hell am I doing here writing this stupid post? I've got some serious flashing to catch up on! Weeeeeeeeeeeee!


The Shiloh Jolie Family Portrait

Look at the confused expression on Maddox's face. He must be wondering if the cruel kids at school were right...maybe he is adopted?

Given her parents' overwhelming physical appeal, Shiloh Jolie should grow up to be the most beautiful looking person in the entire world.

But right now, Shiloh looks more like...

I tawt I sah ah home wrecka? I deed, I deed see ah home wrecka!


Raven Simone Celebrates Her 21st B-Day

She played little Olivia on the Cosby Show, and now she's...uhm...not so little. At 21, Raven is now legal to gamble and consume alcohol at her leisure.
The above picture shows Raven receiving what she's always wanted: A Double Mocha Chocolate Fudge handbag.

The handbag's handle doubles as a flamethrower. Just in case Simone gets a bad case of the munchies and has the overwhelming compulsion to BBQ a stray puppy. Don't you dare knock it until you try it. Word on the street is that pups taste like tender, succulent chicken. And when I say "street", I mean the mean streets of good ol' Vietnam.


Monday, December 11, 2006

Nicole Ritchie is a Junkie

How many drugs can that walking pharmacy take and not die? Let us take inventory of the various substances that over-privileged Hollywood socialite has taken: Caffeine, alcohol, marijuana, nicotine, heroin, cocaine, Vicotin, birth control/morning after pills, and probably ample amounts of Robitussin.

If Nicole hates herself so much, why doesn't she volunteer to be a mine sweeper for the front lines in Iraq? Perhaps Richie, weighing a mere 85lbs, is too damn light to set off the most sensitive of buried bombs.

I know! She can be used to frighten all the warring Islamic insurgents back to their country of origin by doing this: