Saturday, June 06, 2009


The middle dude looks like the father of McLovin.

The Hangover is about a group of friends that go to Las Vegas for a bachelor party. They spend the next couple of days trying to piece together what happened to them the previous night because none of them can remember. I've never heard of any of the main stars, but the supporting cast consists of Mike Tyson and Heather Graham (Roller Girl from Boogie Nights), who plays a stripper that prostitutes on the side.

I found this film to be slightly funnier than I Love You, Man mainly because of the baby abuse humor. Zach Galifianakis was a standout in the film playing the slightly brain damaged brother-in-law to the groom, who has an aversion to wearing pants. Talented character actor Ken Jeong also made a visually traumatic impression as Mr. Chow. Oddly enough, the voice of Mr. Chow sounded just like Trey Parker's impression of Kim Jong Il from Team America: World Police.

This movie raises the bar as to what we should aspire to when it comes to throwing a bachelor party. We should all be so lucky. The Hangover is worth paying full price for at the theater. Probably worth buying the DVD for too, if they have the director's cut version and X-rated deleted scenes included.


Sleep Number Misrepresentation

I just saw a Sleep Number ad featuring Lindsay Wagner, of TV's Bionic Woman fame. Let me just say that that is the absolute wrong celebrity to bring attention to your bedroom accessory product. Now, I'm not a marketer by any stretch of the imagination, but I'd like to think that I know, as an average consumer, what will hold my attention when it comes to advertising...and an old lady filmed with a blurry, ultra high contrast lens isn't one of them.

Who the powers that be should have gone after was either Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. Those two sluts have extensive experience when it comes to mattresses. If Lindsay endorses a bed company, I'm going to have little choice but to listen. If Paris promotes a bed due to the fact that it can withstand her being simultaneously gang banged by the entire NFL, I'm going to wholeheartedly believe her and buy a bed from Sleep Number. Hopefully not the one Ms. Hilton conducted her research on, of course. That particular mattress will have to be properly disposed of by agents working for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

"You see this blond hair? It's bionic."


Thursday, June 04, 2009


This is what Avril Lavigne looks like without makeup.

Drag Me To Hell is about a banker that is given the stink-eye when she denies an elderly gypsy a third extension on her overdue loan. It stars Alison Lohman and Justin Long from Jeepers Creepers and those numerous Apple ads. Ellen Page, who played Kitty Pride in X-Men 2, was supposed to play the lead, but dropped out to be in a Roller Derby comedy directed by Drew Barrymore. I, too, would make the exact same decision if I wanted my film career to take off like a long range Korean missile, only to sputter, spiral, and crash into the ocean depths off the coast of Japan, never ever to be seen again.

I didn't find this movie frightening at all. In fact, I found it to be more comically gross than horrifying. But the teenaged dude sitting next to me found it to be the latter. On at least two different occasions he violently jolted away from the screen, and we were seated at the very back row. The movie wasn't even in 3-D! And one of the scenes that spooked him involved a dainty article of clothing. I swear, the tiny girlfriend that accompanied that scaredy cat had more courage. At one point, she had to hold onto his hand to silently console and reassure him. That pussy probably still has recurring nightmares involving Mrs. Ganush. He's probably currently being counseled into turning those bad dreams into fantasies. To me, that's freakier than auto-erotically asphyxiating yourself in a foreign closet with rope tied around your naked neck and nads.

If you didn't like Sam Raimi's Spiderman 3, I think you'll find Drag Me to Hell to be much more entertaining. I deem this film to be worth watching once at the Imax theater for.


Wednesday, June 03, 2009

My Mantra

I named my pretty little Pony L'Oreal...because she's worth it.

If I ever need a name for my contemporary polka rock band, my future Hollywood production company, or my record label it's going to be called this:

Bitch Shot My Pony!

Rover refuses to allow his paws to come into contact with meadow muffins.


Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Babbling Baby Speaks Arabic

Have you ever seen an albino Arabian baby before? Neither have I, but this annoying young savant just might be channeling the thoughts and chants of Osama Bin Laden from beyond the grave.

The video cuts off before the baby unbuckles herself from her carseat and mercilessly backhands her effeminate sounding daddy into unconsciousness.


Monday, June 01, 2009


"FREEZE! Don't move! Hands on your head! NOW!"

Terminator Salvation is the fourth installment of the Terminator saga. It's about John Connor, once again, doing his best to prevent the machines from eradicating the human race in the year 2018. It stars Christian Bale and an army of lipless tin men. My favorite character in the movie was that of the cute mute little Black girl, Star, played by Jada Grace Berry. If she chooses to maintain those characteristics into her real life, she'll for surely make somebody a real good wife someday.

Due to the fact that the Charlie's Angels movie director, "McG", was behind the helm of this film I was extremely pessimistic. That being said, it wasn't as disappointing as I suspected it might be, but I still think that this flick had plenty of room for improvement thanks to McG's less than stellar direction. For instance, who performs open heart surgery outdoors? And what kind of doctor uses an organ that has been pulverized by a Terminator's fist to transplant into a legendary war hero? Can the blood types even be compatible? If I, as an average Joe audience member, could figure out that Skynet's shutoff signal had the possibility of being traced back to its origin, why couldn't experienced military commanders foresee that particular outcome? Supposedly, the script was rewritten by many different writers just before filming, and it showed.

In my opinion, Starship Troopers is a superior action film to that of Terminator Salvation. Laugh at me all you want, but I still get misty-eyed at the scene involving Dizzy's demise (War can be so unforgiving and cruel *sniffle*). This film is worth viewing on cheap Tuesday and not worth purchasing the DVD for. I say this with confidence because the cut Moon Goodblood topless scene will be all over the internet in high definition anyways. So save yourself $25 and buy some lottery tickets with it. That will have a far better chance of paying off.