I've Seen TRAIN WRECK

 
      A scene from the Nat Geo Wild show: When Cats Drive Trains.

Train Wreck is a Judd Apatow directed project about a floozy who freely sleeps around until she fornicates with a doctor.  It stars Amy Schumer, Bill Hader, Tilda Swinton, Colin Quinn, Lebron James, and WWE's John Cena.

At first, I thought Train Wreck was a sequel to the Denzel Washington's action thriller, Unstoppable.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  It was supposed to be a "comedy", but I never once laughed out loud.  In the theater I was in, most of the jokes were misses, as indicated by the symphony of crickets.  In fact, I believe Michael Jordan had a better hit percentage in baseball than the supposed humor in this particular film.  

Other than the poorly timed punchlines there were additional aspects of the storyline that I didn't get.  For instance, Amy's character could not fathom the appeal of sports, yet constantly surrounded herself with numerous people who were enamored by it.  Further more, there were absolutely pointless scenes that involved the boy who played Harry Potter and Academy award winning actress, Marisa Tomei, that should have been completely edited out.  It's as if Judd gets a kick out of pushing himself to see if he is capable of ruining the careers of talented Oscar winners.  Just about all the dialogue and acting seemed either a bit off or not believable at all.  For instance, I've seen Lebron James act much more natural in Samsung commercials.  For the casting, Amy's sister looked NOTHING like her.  Colin Quinn plays Amy's father and has a strong New York accent, yet none of his daughters have any hint of one.  Plus, I could swear that Colin Quinn didn't age a single second during the 23 year flashback scene to the present day.  Lastly, I couldn't come to grips as to why a doctor (played by Bill Hader) would fall in love with Amy's character.  This sports doctor's environment is surrounded with gorgeous cheerleaders and female athletes.  DOCTOR: "Sorry, Lindsey Vonn/Serina Williams/Maria Sherapovoa. I'd like to go out with you all, but I'm currently dating Amy Schumer."  Nope.  Nothing unrealistic about that.

My mind was blown when Amy claimed that it took her 2 years to write this script.  Just about everything concerning Train Wreck seemed already familiar, as if I'd seen all this before.  The alternative working title could have been Not So Pretty Woman.  Essentially the same tired formula, except that one charges for her services, while the other freely gives it away.  I can't help but feel that Judd had more than a little influence over the finished product of the script.  That's why Apatow should seriously consider changing his name to Dud Inapt-atow.  I'll admit that my local theater bribed me by promising to triple the reward points for seeing this disaster.  And because of that, I now feel filthier than Amy Schumer waking up next to Bill Cosby.

If I possessed a uterus, I would maybe rate this chick flick 4/10.  Had I underwent a hysterectomy, 2/10.