Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Rosario Dawson is Box Office Poison

If you're producing a movie, and for tax purposes you want to write it off as an expense loss, hire Rosario Dawson.

She was in two good movies that I liked (Grindhouse & Clerks II) and they both bombed at the box office. Coincidence? I think not.

Here are a multitude of movies that have grossly underperformed financially:

Shattered Glass = A minuscule $6 million budget, but still managed to lose $3 million.

Rent = Pulled in $31 million, but cost $40 million to make.

Josey & The Pussycats = Production budget of $22 million and raked in a whopping $14 million.

Grindhouse = $52 million to make and has only $22 million to show for it.

Alexander = $200 million with promotional costs and cashed in $167 million worldwide.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash = Cost over $100 million to make and had a worldwide gross of barely $7 million.

It only took one bad movie to ruin Carrot Top's film career, but Rosario Dawson's is like a headless zombie that refuses to die.

I've never seen a well known celebrity with so many poor performing films on her resume. Rosario has not one, but six movies that have grossed less than a million dollars.

And here they are:

A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints = $516,139

Chelsea Walls = $59,675

King of the Jungle = $27,161

Love in the Time of Money = $6,259

Ash Wednesday = $2,942 (yep, just 4 digits in that number)

The First $20 Million = $2,535 (ironic?)

It's almost as if she goes out of her way to pick the worst scripts possible so that she can obliterate her career on purpose.

How the hell does Dawson consistently find work in Hollywood???

Does Rosario's agent sleep with producers to close deals?

Does Dawson drill peep holes in her set trailer, so studio executives can watch her do topless jumping jacks?


Rosario's next film ought to be a biopic about herself called Laughing All The Way To The Bank .


Monday, April 23, 2007


Tammy Faye Baker was the makeup artist for this poster.

Despite what you may have initially thought, Grindhouse is not a coffee company affiliated with Maxwell House.

It's a film that consists of two movies (Planet Terror & Death Proof) , with two directors, and numerous trailers to flicks that don't exist.

The best trailer was Machete. It was about a Mexican, played by Danni Trejo, who got pissed off and then started wreaking havoc upon those who beat him up and left him for dead. The thing that really made Machete angry wasn't the massive beating he received, but the less than poor treatment he got at the hospital for being an illegal immigrant with no medical insurance. That's what pushed Machete over the edge.

He's one bad-ass Mexican.

I can't understand how Grindhouse tanked so badly at the box office. I wouldn't have believed it possible for Are We Finished Yet to out perform this entertaining movie.

This picture from Planet Terror reminds me of my childhood dog, named Lassie. How I wished that dog could also piss bullets when she just sat there and watched as I was being pummelled by a gang of bullies. When my assailants' arms finally got tired of throwing punches at me, I realized Lassie was nothing at all like the Golden Retriever she was named after on those TV reruns. The next day Lassie and I went to the local zoo. That's when I hoisted Lassie up by the collar and flung her over the protective fence, down into the Siberian tiger exhibit. I made sure this all happened just before feeding time. I can still remember Lassie looking up at me with those adorable saucer-like eyes, as if she was silently asking me why I had apparently betrayed her. Bitch knew why.


Heath as Batman Begins' Joker?

This is Heath Ledger? He looks more like a mentally disabled queer clown who can't solve a rubic's cube even with extremely explicit directions.

I'm not laughing at all at this joker.

I would cast Academy Award nominee Robert Downey Jr. as Batman's arch enemy. But I guess movie budgets are tight these days and I hear Heath works for 10% above scale.