Saturday, May 24, 2008

Obese Wan Kanobi CAPTIONED

So close, yet so far away.

Big Bertha assumes the position when busted by the Cholesterol Cops.

Heavy hooker displaying the goods.

Diabetic heifers are naturally drawn to sugar milk.

When it comes to her body image, Britney Spears just doesn't care anymore.

Eating babies tends to make one thirsty.

Bertha is feeling dizzy as her tiny thong cuts off the blood supply to her head.

Fatty takes a well earned rest after hours of trying to extract the loose change from her pants pockets.

Junk food peep show.

When Bertha becomes hungry, she turns into the Incredible Bulk.

Vending machines: Where the fat go on safari.


Friday, May 23, 2008

Nick Hogan Has Suffered Enough

"Prisons have PlayStations, right?"

The son of infamous wrestler Hulk Hogan, Nick Bollea, is serving 8 months in jail for reckless driving while intoxicated and causing serious bodily harm to his passenger. The 22-year-old injured passenger, John Graziano, was a marine who had just finished a tour of duty in Iraq. Apparently, Mr. Graziano is hard to kill...almost like Steven Segal.

Click the link to listen to Nick Bollea bawl to his mommy on how rough prison life is on him: WHAAA!

It would seem that Nick believes that permanently ruining someone else's life is not worth briefly inconveniencing his own. To that, Bollea's fellow inmates would say, "Suck it all up, Buttercup!"

Here's to hoping that Hulk Hogan fails to deliver Nick's anal chastity belt on time.


Thursday, May 22, 2008

Celebrities Coping with Progeria

Lindsay in an ad for Poligrip.

Meet tennis sensation, Lindsay Davenport. This picture was taken sometime in her twenties. She is currently in her very early 30's. The hairstyle in that photo looks to be from the late 1930's.

"Who just touched my knee? False alarm. It was my tit."

Say hello to Kirsten Dunst (You'll have to speak up because this old lady is hard of hearing). Her claim to fame is being grossly miscast as Mary Jane Watson in the Spider-Man movie trilogy (Betty White could've done a better job at playing Peter Parker's love interest). Believe it or not, Ms. Dunst just turned 26, despite her saggy boobs looking like they have already celebrated their seventieth.

This is Grammy Award winning singer, Amy Winehouse. She is 24, and apparently going on 44.

"Help! I've misplaced my suspenders...and my ass."

The 60's + Vomited Spinach = The inspiration for Heigl's dress pattern.

In the above photo, Katherine Heigl is in her mid-twenties. She co-stars on a television show called Grey's Anatomy. I wouldn't be surprised if another part of Heigl's anatomy is "grey" - like her pubes. Katherine is one of the most overrated actresses on the planet. I swear, if Heigl possessed small breasts Hollywood would consider her talentless.

Maggie Gyllenhall's real name is Margret Ruth, which is very appropriate because those are the two most ancient sounding names I could ever think of...besides Methuselah. Thirty year old "Maggie" will be in the upcoming Batman movie, The Dark Knight. Mrs. Gyllenhaal will be playing the role of villain, as Bruce Wayne's deceased mother, Morticia. Maggie will require no special effects makeup for this role.

Maggie's grandchild choking on curdled milk.

"Contrary to popular belief, I'm not Eleanor Roosevelt."

Chelsea Clinton is the only (verified) child of former U.S. President, Bill Clinton (I can see why he stopped at one). She is 28 years old - and I must emphasize the word OLD. The sad part of the above photo is that Chelsea Clinton is wearing the best makeup money can buy.

"Unless you wish for my dad to have you assassinated, you won't refer to me as 'Chel-Sea Biscuit' again."


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A Toast to Jessica Alba

What is it about Jessica Alba that makes her a household name? Is it her "talent"? It can't be that because you have to have some first. Is it her "beauty"? I don't think so, because it's quite evident that Alba is well below average looking without applying ice cream scoops worth of makeup onto her homely visage.

In movies, Jessica Alba recites her lines as if she's reading them for the first time off of cue cards. I wouldn't be surprised if professional athletes closely analyze Jessica Alba's technique before they appear on TV shows or commercials.

Alba's acting ability peaked in the movie Sin City.

For Jessica, that scene is as close to Meryl Streep's skill level as she'll ever get.

She was absolutely atrocious portraying Sue Richards in Fantastic Four. I never once was fooled into thinking that Jessica Alba was remotely believable as an intelligent scientist. Personally, I would have cast Kristen Bell in that role instead.

If Jessica refuses to drop out of showbiz, it will only be a matter of time before they rename the Razzie to the Alba Awards.
Whenever Jessica Alba is cast in a movie, I only see it as a tribute to literacy.

Jessica became confused when asked what "emote" meant.