Wednesday, March 18, 2009


"Ooo, I love techno music! Let's DANCE!!"

I never read the original graphic novel, so I had no idea that this story was not going to be your typical superhero action film. The plot revolves around a murdered ex-superhero, and another superhero conducting his own private investigation to solve the case. What is eventually uncovered is far bigger than the demise of one single mutant. It stars Malin Akerman and Carla Gugino. I'm not familiar with the rest of the actors, but was very impressed with the casting, nonetheless.

Rorschach became my favorite character, as he was played brilliantly by the vertically challenged former Bad News Bear star, Jackie Earle Haley. Dr. Manhattan exhibits his Smurf-colored junk throughout the film a bit much for my liking. But as the film progressed, I just came to accept his aversion for clothing as the result of being heavily influenced by care-free Europeans. I must say that it was also refreshing to see interesting roles for women that didn't cause me to disappointingly groan, constantly look at my watch, or require the need for nudity...although the latter definitely didn't hurt this picture, whatsoever.

When it comes to directing, Zach Snyder makes Steven Spielberg look like Sofia Coppola. Snyder's previous film, 300, was awesome and Watchmen forces me to recommend this movie to be watched at full price at an Imax theater and then, at the earliest possible moment, purchase the DVD.

Apollonia Vanova as a sexy Nazi minx.

When the mutant dyke, Silhouette, was found shot to death in bed with her girlfriend, I openly wept. Not because she was dead, but because they didn't show any girl on girl action before she died. Where's the justice!?!


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dirty Chimp CAPTIONED!

A rude postcard from Cheetah to his jungle buddies.

This tourist poses with a hairy pirate named Harry Primate.

Anything goes in Ibiza.

Sasquatches don't like their pictures taken, even when vacationing.

"Is that a banana between your legs or you just happy to see her?"

In Sober House, Cheetah is caught falling off the wagon for sex addiction.

"You Jane. Me so horny."

"I'll give you one guess as to where this finger has been."

A model auditioning to be the new traveling host of E!'s "Wild Hard On...".

Photographed with a fan is the renowned retired porn star, Rape Ape.



This drawing of Chun Li is far better than the movie.

This story is about the origin of the Street Fighter video game character, Chun Li. It stars Kristin Kreuk, and the star of the Mortal Kombat (plus the extremely underrated Beverly Hills Ninja) movies, Robin Shou. I was also surprised that a respected actor such as Michael Clarke Duncan accepted the part of Balrog. Having seen his performance in The Green Mile, that role was far beneath Duncan's acting capabilities. So I suspect that Michael lost a high stakes bet or is being blackmailed into participating in less than mediocre movies.

I was never convinced by Kreuk that she was born to play the character of Chun Li. To me, she just came across as an empty, cold-hearted woman of privilege. And when it came to Kristin's more emotional scenes, I've seen newborn babies cry more convincingly. I would have preferred a full-blooded Oriental to be cast in the role of Chun Li. Perhaps one with a sweet, child-like voice similar to that of Pikachou. Neal McDonough played the antagonist, Bison, who was born in Thailand of Irish missionary parents. The trouble I had with that background was that the movie seemed to imply that Bison's parents were dead when he was a mere infant. Yet, McDonough erratically switched between an Irish and American accent off and on throughout his dialogue. Having supposedly grown up on the mean streets of Thailand, you'd think Bison would have more of a stereotypical Oriental accent. For example:

BISON: "Ahh, Chun Wee, my mos powofoe inimee. I weel wike to berry much punch you in dee wivver."

See? That sounds far more authentic and "weelwistic".

There's nothing legendary about this flick. This film should have gone straight to video. Wait, that was too generous. The Lengend of Chun Li should have gone straight to the Nickelodian network, because this movie was less entertaining than the Nintendo 64 version of Street Fighter.


Monday, March 16, 2009

Jenna Jameson Hatches Brood

"In Space Jam Three Some, I play Daffy Fuck."

Today the mallard-faced porn star, Jenna Jameson, gave birth to twin boys.

Rumor has it that their names are going to be Eric Shaun and Herb Peace Ortiz.

The bastards were delivered by her gynecologist
, Dr. Justin Cider.