I've Seen TRAIN WRECK

 
      A scene from the Nat Geo Wild show: When Cats Drive Trains.

Train Wreck is a Judd Apatow directed project about a floozy who freely sleeps around until she fornicates with a doctor.  It stars Amy Schumer, Bill Hader, Tilda Swinton, Colin Quinn, Lebron James, and WWE's John Cena.

At first, I thought Train Wreck was a sequel to the Denzel Washington's action thriller, Unstoppable.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  It was supposed to be a "comedy", but I never once laughed out loud.  In the theater I was in, most of the jokes were misses, as indicated by the symphony of crickets.  In fact, I believe Michael Jordan had a better hit percentage in baseball than the supposed humor in this particular film.  

Other than the poorly timed punchlines there were additional aspects of the storyline that I didn't get.  For instance, Amy's character could not fathom the appeal of sports, yet constantly surrounded herself with numerous people who were enamored by it.  Further more, there were absolutely pointless scenes that involved the boy who played Harry Potter and Academy award winning actress, Marisa Tomei, that should have been completely edited out.  It's as if Judd gets a kick out of pushing himself to see if he is capable of ruining the careers of talented Oscar winners.  Just about all the dialogue and acting seemed either a bit off or not believable at all.  For instance, I've seen Lebron James act much more natural in Samsung commercials.  For the casting, Amy's sister looked NOTHING like her.  Colin Quinn plays Amy's father and has a strong New York accent, yet none of his daughters have any hint of one.  Plus, I could swear that Colin Quinn didn't age a single second during the 23 year flashback scene to the present day.  Lastly, I couldn't come to grips as to why a doctor (played by Bill Hader) would fall in love with Amy's character.  This sports doctor's environment is surrounded with gorgeous cheerleaders and female athletes.  DOCTOR: "Sorry, Lindsey Vonn/Serina Williams/Maria Sherapovoa. I'd like to go out with you all, but I'm currently dating Amy Schumer."  Nope.  Nothing unrealistic about that.

My mind was blown when Amy claimed that it took her 2 years to write this script.  Just about everything concerning Train Wreck seemed already familiar, as if I'd seen all this before.  The alternative working title could have been Not So Pretty Woman.  Essentially the same tired formula, except that one charges for her services, while the other freely gives it away.  I can't help but feel that Judd had more than a little influence over the finished product of the script.  That's why Apatow should seriously consider changing his name to Dud Inapt-atow.  I'll admit that my local theater bribed me by promising to triple the reward points for seeing this disaster.  And because of that, I now feel filthier than Amy Schumer waking up next to Bill Cosby.

If I possessed a uterus, I would maybe rate this chick flick 4/10.  Had I underwent a hysterectomy, 2/10.

I've Seen This is the End

 
Gay porn version will be called This is the Rear End.

This is the End is about a group of celebrities coping with a Biblical Apocalypse while trapped within James Franco's Hollywood home.  It stars James Franco, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride, Jonah Hill, and Craig Robinson.

An interesting approach to This is the End was that everyone involved "played" themselves in the movie.  I say "played" because the only one who seemed not to be a caricature version of their true self was Seth Rogen.  The rest chose to alter or over exaggerate their true personas.  The best of which were James Franco and Danny McBride.  McBride portrayed himself as an overbearingly selfish, untrustable prick.  A standout amongst the cameos was Michael Cera.  In the film Cera depicted himself as a full blown cocaine addict.  To make the dynamic of the cast more interesting and entertaining, I would have removed Rogen and Baruchel completely out of the flick and replaced them with the desperately-in-need-of-an-intervention version of Michael Cera.  

A cameo that was completely wasted was Emma Watson's.  In the middle of the movie she left James Franco's house with only an axe, and that was the very last we saw of her.  Whereas all the males were cowering within a luxurious mansion, I would have shown Hermione throwing herself with reckless abandon, enthusiastically hacking and reveling at all the wicked beasts that had the misfortune of intruding upon her personal space.  

Honorable mention goes to Jonah Hill for defeating his affliction with anorexia. He has become his pleasantly plump self, once again, but there was a scene involving him that could have been vastly improved.  I'm talking about Jonah's rape scene.  I believe it would have been much more humorous if Mr. Hill's rape was more elaborate and even more extensive.  As a director, I would've had Jonah effeminately screaming incessantly, while having the Incubus maliciously state the line: "Hold still, fatty, so I can fill you with my sweet demon semen!"  The version of the film I saw was rated 18A, so why not unabashedly push the humor envelope?

Despite the terrific cast and numerous cameos (recording artist Rihanna being one of them) I felt This is the End was a disappointing let down.  Especially the terrible ending, which I'm going to reveal to avenge my extreme dissatisfaction with it.  Most of the protagonists are vacuumed up into Heaven.  As a result, it turns out you can make any wish and it will come true.  Jay Baruchel, of ALL things, wished to sing and dance with the Backstreet Boys.  First of all, why would anyone assume that the Backstreet Boys would be allowed into Heaven?  At the very least, they'd be waiting in Purgatory along with Susan Boyle and Miley Cyrus.  If it were me making a musical wish, it would have been Rihanna singing a duet with Chris Brown covering the Britney Spears song "Hit Me Baby One More Time".  Now that's a concert that would cause the angels to WEEP!

I've Seen JACK REACHER

 

When with prostitutes, his name then becomes Jack Reach-Around.

Jack Reacher is about a retired military investigator who, for the past 2 years, has chosen to have no fixed address, no driver's license, and no cell phone so that the U.S. government is unable to keep tabs on his whereabouts.  The low-key Reacher mysteriously shows up to investigate a former military sniper who is charged with multiple slayings.  It is based off of author Lee Child's book "One Shot".  It stars Tom Cruise, Robert Duvall, Jai Courtney, Werner Herzog, and Rosamund Pike.

Jack Reacer is a cleverly written, unpredictably directed murder mystery.  Even the acting was good enough to keep me constantly guessing.  A stand out moment for me involved Werner Herzog's character, The Zec, talking about the harsh times he suffered at a Siberian "Summer" prison camp.  All I can say about that is that it was a chilling, well delivered performance.  Jai Courtney (who will be John McLane's son in the latest installment of Die Hard) played a very convincing psychopath, as well.

I believe that Jack Preacher is the best suspense/mystery film I've seen since The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Tom Cruise was the ideal choice to portray Lee Child's character. In my opinion, this movie is worth every penny to own on DVD. 

I've Seen HANNA

On the hunt for the devil Hanna known as "Montana".

Hanna is about a girl who was raised and specifically trained in a harsh northern environment to become a deadly tool to exact revenge against a C.I.A. operative that murdered her mother. It stars Saoirse Ronan, Eric "Don't Call Me Banana" Bana, and Cate Blanchett.

To me, this film seemed to be a splendid mix of the movies The Bourne Identity and Hit Girl from Kick Ass. The direction was good and the acting by the entire cast was quite believable. Although, I was most impressed with Saoirse (pronounced "seer-sha") Ronan's performance. At just 17 years of age, Ms. Ronan nailed the portrayal of a female action star, sadly a feat not nearly enough actresses in Hollywood could muster. I totally bought Saorise's character accent and genuinely thought she was of European or South African ancestry. As it turns out, she was born in Ireland, but moved to New York, USA, at the age of 3. If you ever choose to see this flick, you'll witness a young actress that can hold her own against the formidably talented Cate Blanchett.

I highly recommend this movie, for I firmly believe that it will not disappoint. I would eagerly await a sequel involving Hanna and Hit Girl teaming up to defeat the uprising of men who disrespectfully exhibit chauvinistic or misogynistic attitudes towards women. So watch your backs hip hop stars.

I've Seen LIMITLESS

In Unison: "You talk'n ta me? YOU talk'n ta ME?"

Limitless is about a struggling author who comes across experimental pills that allows him to utilize 100% of his brain capacity. It stars Bradley Cooper and Robert DeNiro.

Bradley Cooper does a decent job in portraying a likable pill popping character. While filming this flick, Mr. Cooper must have realized that his possibility for having hot young tail was limitless, as he made the decision to dump his main squeeze of 2 years, Renee Zellwegger. Shia LaBeouf was originally set to star in this movie, but couldn't because he wanted to party all night long, drive under the influence, roll his new truck, and crush every bone in his hand instead.

The moral of this story is that pharmaceuticals are the answer to all of our problems. I highly recommend Limitless. It's smart, original, and thrilling. I would not hesitate to watch this again in the theater at full price, where their exorbitant price for popcorn also seems to be limitless.

I've Seen BLACK SWAN

If a swan farts in a pond, can anyone hear?

Black Swan is about a deranged dancer that is obsessed and paranoid about keeping her starring role in the stage production of Swan Lake. It stars Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Vincent Cassel, Winona Ryder, and Barbara Hershey.

Black Swan is the most disturbing dance movie I have ever seen. Actually, it's the only dance flick I've ever watched other than the extremely underrated classic Show Girls. This film was a head hurting emotional roller coaster ride, because the most common phrases continually going through my mind were: "What the fuh?!?"; "Ew."; "Aw yee-ah, baby!"; "Huh?"; and, "Gah!!!" Originally, the script was called "The Understudy", and it involved actors instead of the back stabbing underworld of ballet dancing. If it was up to me, I'd hand Natalie Portman an Oscar for her difficult and complicated portrayal of Nina Sayers. It surpasses the sprightly performance of Hailee Steinfeld's in the movie remake of True Grit.

In conclusion, this movie is a tolerable chick flick that would make a confusing date movie for any guy not in touch with his nonexistent feminine side. This was a truthful peak inside the messed up minds of typically insecure females. And because of this, I consider Black Swan to be a horror.

I've seen TRUE GRIT

Jeff Bridges stars in, The Dude Ranch.

True Grit is a film about a little farm girl who hires a washed up gunslinger to exact justice upon her Pappy's murderer. It stars Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Josh Brolin, and Hailee Steinfeld.

Truth be told, I have no right reviewing this movie, for I missed the first few minutes of it. But what I did see of it, I did like. True Grit was directed by the Coen Brothers and executive produced by Steven Spielberg. Jeff Bridges plays a nearly over the hill former U.S. marshal, Matt Damon portrays a none too smart Texas Ranger, and Josh Brolin is the outlaw that murders Hailee Steinfeld's Pa. The casting was terrific. Even young Hailee held her own with her Oscar winning costars. If you ask me, she should seriously be considered for an Academy Award nomination. If Julia Roberts can unjustly win an Oscar for speaking with an unconvincing Southern U.S. accent, while showing off her Wonder Bra induced cleavage in every other scene in Erin Brokovich, then Ms. Steinfeld should have the right to earn a tiny golden statue for actually acting.

I believe that True Grit is worth paying full price to see at theaters. And even I would watch it again, if only to see the very beginning of the film.

I've Seen RED

"Homer Simpson? No, I'm Bruce Willis...d'oh!"

Red is a film about retired CIA agents that are being systematically assassinated for an undetermined reason. It stars Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Ernest Borgnine, and Richard Dreyfuss.

Red is the best movie Bruce Willis has been in since Sin City. It's action sequences are well directed. The storyline is interesting. The acting by all, except for Dreyfuss, is decent. Richard Dreyfuss starts talking with a Southern United States accent in his first scene, and then it noticeably fails to bother to resurface again. Helen Mirren's performance stood out most. I don't believe I've ever seen an accomplished senior citizen English actress look so comfortable firing an arsenal of fully automatic weaponry. Meryl Streep was a serious consideration to play Mirren's role. In the end, I believe the correct choice was made. The character responsible for the psychotic comedy relief was played by John Malkovich. John C. Reilly was originally cast for John's character, but had to drop out of the movie due to prior commitments. Also, be sure to look for Bruce Willis' coolest automobile exit in cinematic history.

Despite the typical Hollywood style of solving problems that have realistically impossible odds of accomplishing with seemingly effortless ease, the movie Red was more fun to watch than The Losers, The A-Team, and Alpha and Omega combined. It is worth watching on an Imax screen, then to rent it again just to witness how Willis handles serious fender benders.

I've Seen ALPHA & OMEGA

Canadian Olympic bobsled team.

Alpha and Omega is about wolves of different pack stature falling in love. It stars the voices of Justin Long, Hayden Panettiere, Christina Ricci, Danny Glover, and the late Dennis Hopper.

I cried during this film. Not because certain scenes were emotionally touching or that this was the last movie Dennis Hopper ever did, but because I accidentally stayed beyond the half hour limit to have my money refunded. To further add salt to the wound, I paid full price for 3-D. WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?!? The message I took away from this terrible flick is that all your problems can be solved by riding a rotten, hollowed out log down a hill. I'll for surely have to remember that next time the bank is demanding their mortgage payment.

This movie has mediocre animation, unimaginative direction, a predictable cliche storyline, no humor worth wasting your exhalations on, and the dialogue would have probably have been more entertaining had it been dubbed in a language I was totally unfamiliar with, say for example Sanskrit. As far as I'm concerned, all the voice actors got paid exceptionally well for participating in terrible work.

In conclusion, Alpha and Omega is not worth paying to see at the theater, nor buying or renting on DVD, and not even worth downloading illegally. In fact, if you see that title on a store shelf, you'd be better off breaking the disk in half. By doing this you would be saving an oblivious child from needlessly throwing away 88 minutes of valuable life and further lowering their IQ's. Yes, watching Alpha & Omega will have a similar effect to ingesting lead tainted products.

I've Seen Scott Pilgrim vs the World

Someone could photo shop a dildo into his closed fist.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is about a young man who has to beat up past flames in order to date a girl he's infatuated with. Imagine if Lindsay Lohan had came up with that stipulation for me to date her? I'd be like, "Ha-ha-ha! Whatever. Just shut up and finish your nose candy." It stars Michael Cera.

This film is directed by the man behind the movies Hot Fuzz and Shawn of the Dead. So it has comically exaggerated action and mild humor. Throughout this feature there are visual video game references, so I seriously doubt that this cinematic experience will appeal to the elderly.

This movie bombed in North America, but I'm sure Japanese audiences will eat up Scott Pilgrim vs. the World faster than Godzilla's regurgitated sushi. This flick is definitely worth renting when it comes out on DVD.

I've Seen PREDATORS

"In your tongue my name means 'Labia Lips'. "

Predators is about the most deadly humans on earth being abducted and placed onto a planet where they are hunted for sport. It stars Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, and Danny Mother Effin Trejo.

If I am not mistaken, half the movie involves the characters trying to figure out what is happening to them. It's as if the humans were placed on a planet sized mouse maze, and death is the cheese.

This is the second best movie involving the Predator aliens. First still being the 1987 original. Predators seemed to lack innovative originality and played it safe as far as creative imagination was concerned. The homage they paid to the first one was apparent enough, but I would have preferred to see more cleverly engineered futuristic weaponry. Also, nicely depicted mind games would have been welcomed. Not the sort that women like to play, but the kind that you might expect to see between two of the finest apex predators in the galaxy.

If they make a sequel, I hope the next human they choose to abduct is Rambo. The trouble for the Predators, of course, is being able to abduct John Rambo. Hey, there's your movie.


"Why do I feel compelled to rape the Predator's mouth?"

I've Seen SPLICE!

"See this hand? I will pimp slap you HARD with it!"

Splice is about the implications of humans playing God by tampering with nature. It stars Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley, and Delphine Chaneac.

Speaking of God, this plot reminded me of the story of Adam and Eve. Where the woman coaxes the man to do something they're not supposed to, and later on they suffer the consequences of their actions when Adam is infected with the first ever case of herpes. In this particular instance, they defy the DNA code of ethics by combining human genes amongst other various animals.

The best acting came from Adrien Brody as he is able to sufficiently convey his emotional confliction with their volatile experiment. Delphine Chaneac was also very convincing as the almost mute mutant, Dren.

What I like about Splice is its willingness to tackle taboo subject matters, such as: Human cloning, what are the considerations for technical infidelity, bestiality, incest, and messing around with the building blocks of life. I would've loved to have attempted to carry an intellectual conversation on those hot button topics. It's just a shame that all my current friends display no interest at all to view this film. I say it is their loss, because I believe Splice is worth seeing at the theater for full price.



Delphine is a Frenchier, sexier, & more talented version of Courtney Cox.

Dren without her special effects makeup.

*sighs...then begins to drool rabidly*

NSFW pics of Delphine as Dren: Dren1 Dren2 Dren3

I've Seen THE RUNAWAYS

Other group name considerations were Jailbait Junction, Statutory Station & No Daddy No.

The Runaways is about two teens from the mid 1970's in a manufactured girl band of five. It stars Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett and Dakota Fanning as Cherie Currie.
The Runaways should have opened with a narration by Morgan Freeman stating: "This motion picture is a celebration dedicated to Dakota Fanning's puberty party...and you're all invited." This flick is essentially about Ms. Fanning flaunting herself around in sexy, tight fitting outfits. The film even starts off showing premenstrual fluid dribbling down Dakota's bare leg. Like who needs to see that bloody crap? I'm surprised Ms. Fanning's co-star from New Moon, Robert Patterson, didn't make a cameo and immediately lap that shit up.

The Runaways didn't do Joan Jett any justice because Joan Jett is exponentially cooler than this movie. Despite both being over a half century of age, Joan could still out play Madonna on guitar while fighting off a rogue gang of rabid monkeys. Hell, when it comes to live performances Miley Cyrus probably couldn't keep up musically with Jett even if she was equipped with a computerized cow bell. Joan Jett is the epitome of powerfully raw, undiluted rock and roll, and I don't think there's anyone else she could hand that baton off to. Well, maybe Courtney Love, but just to righteously back hand her and beat her face back into a semblance of normalcy with the baton.
Instead of seeing this poorly told story, buy a Joan Jett's greatest hits album, because only Laurence Taylor, Jerry Lee Lewis, Gary Glitter, Wilmer Valderrama, and R. Kelly would waste their time to stand in line to see this pointless piece of cinema about horny, uninhibitedly wasted teenaged girls. If Steven Tyler and Ozzy Osbourne saw this show, they'd be constantly jumping up and shouting, "Light weights! Our adult diapers can hold more booze than you!" Tara Reid's underrated Josie and the Pussy Cats was far more edgier than this weak peek into the under aged world of concert touring.

I've Seen KICK ASS

"You've crossed me for the last time, Justin Bieber."

Kick Ass is about a wimpy high school student who decides to become a vigilante to try and make a positive difference in his community. It stars Aaron Johnson as Kick Ass, Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Red Mist, Nicholas Cage as Big Daddy, and Chloe Grace Moretz as Hit Girl.

All the main actors did a marvelous job of portraying their characters. My favorite was the tactfully lethal Hit Girl. I regard her action sequence as top 5 for female cinematic fight scene of all time. If they made a spin off movie of Hit Girl and handed the directing reigns over to Quentin Tarantino, I'd pre-order my tickets and dedicate my sorry life to being an obsessed, emotionally imbalanced Fanboy. Moretz's character is easily one of the strongest little lady leads in Hollywood since Shirley Temple or when Dakota Fanning still was considered cute.

To my surprise, Aaron Johnson is English, and, at 19, is already about to become a father for the first time in real life. The mother of his child is actually old enough to be his mom. She is a 43-year-old mother of two, who is a British director that worked with Aaron on a film called Nowhere Boy (Emphasis on the word "Boy"). Before Nicolas Cage was cast as Big Daddy, other considerations were James Bond's Daniel Craig and Mark Wahlberg from the boy band Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

If you don't mind graphic violence, then Kick Ass is worth paying full price at an Imax theater and then buying the DVD on Blue Ray. If I ever have kids, I want a daughter just like Hit Girl. I just might do what ex-Grey's Anatomy star Katherine Heigl did and buy one from China.

I've Seen GHOST WRITER

Ghost Writer is a film directed by Roman Polanski that's about a biographer who is helping a disgraced former British Prime Minister write his memoirs. It stars Ewan McGregor, Pierce Brosnan, Olivia Williams, and Tom Wilkinson.

Brosnan plays the Prime Minister whose previous literary collaborator unexpectedly washes up dead on the beach, due to a fatal case of writer's block. Publishers then hire McGregor to finish what the previous author had started. Along the way, Ewan investigates his subject's past and comes up with troublesome irregularities.

This film's pace and intrigue keeps things quite interesting for the viewer. Trust me when I say Ghost Writer is not a sequel to Jennifer Love Hewitt's terrible TV show, Ghost Whisperer. It's more like the old TV show, Murder She Wrote, except instead of an 80-year-old Jessica Fletcher, you have a nosy Jedi master. Ghost Writer is definitely worth renting and is, by far, the best film I have ever seen that was directed by a convicted child rapist.

I've Seen HOT TUB TIME MACHINE

Gassy men farting simultaneously creating a jacuzzi effect.

Hot Tub Time Machine is about the recreational device causing its inhabitants to travel back to the year of 1986. It stars John Cusack, Clark Duke, Craig Robinson, and Rob Cordry.

The aforementioned group accidentally transports themselves back in time and are forced to relive their inglorious past. Chevy Chase makes a humorless and unnecessary cameo as a repairman. Crispin Glover's role as a bellhop was much more notable and memorable. But the best cameo was made by the insanely gorgeous Jessica Pare. If Hollywood ever makes a Wonder Woman movie, Ms. Pare would be a natural fit to fill that sexy red and yellow corset.


The heavenly angelic Jessica Pare *sigh*

To conclude, Hot Tub Time Machine has good directional pacing, adequate comedic acting, and numerous chuckles. Hell, it's worth paying full price just to bare witness to the fantasy inducing Jessica Pare scene. Besides that, if you had the unpleasant misfortune to have lived through the 1980's it should provide a cringe-filled ride down memory lane.

I've Seen SHERLOCK HOLMES

Robert playing Nicholas Cage in the finance movie, Losing His Shirt.

Sherlock Holmes is about Sherlock and Watson solving crime, at the same time trying to halt the creation of a new world order. It stars Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, and is directed by Guy Ritchie.

Robert Downey Jr. plays the title character and does a magnificent job of doing so. If his British accent was off, my ignorance was not able to detect it. Jude Law (his British accent seemed a bit off) plays a doctor who definitely is not a surgeon because his lack of accuracy with a gun strongly suggests that he possess the steady hands of an unmedicated Michael J. Fox. The original choice for the role of Watson was Colin Farrell.

Sherlock Holmes is Guy Ritchie's best film to date, surpassing even Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. I predict that, because of this film, more parents will inexplicably be naming their newborns Sherlock... and Shirley if they have the misfortune of giving birth to a girl. I believe this film is worth paying full price to see at the theater and renting again at the video store.

I've Seen NINJA ASSASSIN

Right after Raizo murdered Po the Kung Fu Panda.

Ninja Assassin is about ninjas getting paid to kill those designated by others to die. Raizo, a ninja with a conscious, escapes the clutches of his prominent clan to dedicate his time in foiling its various lucrative assassination for hire contract hits. An acceptable alternative title for this movie could have also been Going Rogue. It stars a dude named Rain and the Voodoo priestess from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Rain may look like a Korean Calvin Klein underwear model, but he grew up in poverty when his dad's business failed and then bailed on his family to flee to Brazil. Rain got his start in show business as a back up dancer (sort of like Kevin Federline). He later ventured out on his own and became a successful Asian recording artist (unlike Kevin Federline).

All in all, Ninja Assassin was an extremely violent, yet entertaining, ballet of death. Although, there were instances where the special effects looked very unconvincing and the exaggerated abilities of the ninjas could have been depicted much better. Despite those small critiques, it's still probably the best ninja movie Hollywood has ever produced, if you don't count Mortal Combat. Ninja Assassin is a must rent for fans of martial arts films who prefer not to witness the awkwardly unnatural use of the wire and harness when it comes to aerial action sequences.

I've Seen THE HURT LOCKER

In Iraq searching for the ever elusive Moon Pie.

The Hurt Locker never made it to my city, so it took a cross country flight on a plane for me to be able to view this film. It's about a member of the U.S. army whose job it is to defuse improvised explosive devices in war torn Iraq. It stars nobody all that recognizable.

The Hurt Locker is directed by Katheryn Bigelow. She is the ex-wife of Avatar director James Cameron. Not only is Kathryn a good director, but at 57 years old she's still damn good looking! And to her credit, looks to be mostly naturally beautiful. Leaning towards dropping this project, it was James Cameron's insistent coaxing that convinced Ms. Bigelow to eventually take on this film. Originally, The Hurt Locker was to star Colin Farrell, Wilem Dafoe, and Charlize Theron.

This movie was intense and riveting all thanks to the great directing, believable acting, and the appropriate casting. This flick is worth seeing at full price at an Imax theater, but the chances of it being shown on a basic silver screen is extremely remote. Get it? Remotes are sometimes used to set off I.E.D.'s . Was that sorry attempt at a joke in bad taste? Well, that's too bad because I don't know of any other flavor.

I've Seen PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

Patiently awaiting Paris Hilton to complete their threesome.

Paranormal Activity is about a woman who has an unknown entity that follows and makes its presence known to her from time to time. Her boyfriend wants to document the occurrences caused by this phenomenon before enlisting the help of a priest to exercise her or a fireman to assist him in burning her at the stake. It stars nobody previously famous. It was filmed in the director's real life house for $15,000US. It has since grossed over $85 million in North America alone. The story was supposedly inspired by a box of laundry detergent that mysteriously fell off a secure shelf. Yee-ahh.

This film starts off interesting and somewhat riveting, with the boyfriend doing his best to emulate an amateur Ghost Buster. But then the unraveling process of the plot seems to go on much longer than it really should have. Despite feeling ripped off from this particular cinematic experience, I did take away an important message from it. And that lesson was: No average looking chick that comes with emotional or demonic baggage is worth the hassle, even if she is the proud owner of perky D-cups boobies.

Unless you enjoy endings that leave you severely disappointed (e.g.- Contact) then Paranormal Activity will be worth wasting your valuable time. If I didn't know any better, I'd think that the campaign manager responsible for George W. Bush's re-election, Karl Rove, was behind the marketing hype of this flick. In conclusion, I'd only rent this movie as a joke to play upon others by forcing them to watch it. That way I could savor their expressions of outrage at the fact that Paranormal Activity had involuntarily and irreparably stripped them of 82 precious minutes of nonrefundable life. That would be the only paranormal activity people would experience by choosing to watch this film.