Friday, December 22, 2006

Star Wars

No, not the one whose storyline revolves around an incestuous love triangle.

I'm talking about the one where over privileged celebrities sling verbal poo at each other. That one tends to be a tad more entertaining. Nothing says Merry F'n Christmas quite like good old fashioned slander!

Rosie O'Donnell vs Kelly Rippa

Guest co-host, Clay Aiken, rudely put his hand over Kelly Ripa's mouth during a live interview. Kelly pushed away his hand and said, "That's a no, no. I don't know where that hand has been."

RoD's take on that situation was that Kelly Ripa had made a "homophobic remark". WHAT?!? Does O'Donnell consult with the crazy voices in her head during the commercial break? That's along the lines of making the claim that I'm a racist for tying my shoelaces. Well, according to Rosie it might be:

ROSIE: "The loops you made from your shoelaces resemble the nooses used during the lynchings of many African Americans."

That does it, Rosie! I'm going to pretend to sue you for making those imaginary defamatory remarks.

Rachel Ray vs Martha Stewart

Martha was caught sending her employees to spy on Rachel Ray's new show by sneaking them in the guise of legitimate audience members. When asked on Howard Stern's radio program about that, Stewart responded:

STEWART: “I’m the mother of these how-to shows. She cannot cook like I cook. She cannot craft like I craft.”

She forgot to mention that she's also a cold hearted hag. Don't worry Martha, I got your back.

RAY: “Anybody from Martha’s show or anybody’s show is always welcome. The tickets are free. And we have snacks.”

Aww, isn't Rachel sweet? How could anybody be terse with her? All Ray has to do is flash her million dollar smile and all her annoyances just melt away. Awww.

Donald Trump vs Rosie O'Donnell

FAT ASS: "And there he is, hair looping, going 'Everyone deserves a second chance. He annoys me on a multitude of levels. He's the moral authority? Left the first wife, had an affair, left the second wife, had an affair. Had kids both times, but he's the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America. Donald, sit and spin, my friend."

TRUMP: "Well Rosie is a loser. Rosie’s been a loser for a long time. Her magazine failed. She got sued. She folded up like a tent. Rosie is a failure. She’s not smart. She’s crude. She’s ignorant, and to be honest, I look forward to suing Rosie."

TRUMP: "Rosie is a very unattractive woman but as unattractive as she is on the outside, she’s even worse on the inside, and she’s very lucky to have a nice girlfriend."

Yeah, what DOES Kelli Carpenter see in that doughy woman that looks like a female version of an unfit Michelin Man? Ohhhh. Kelli has a thing for cartoon mascots.

What's your problem, wrinkle nuts? Quit judging me with your contemptuous stare. No seriously. Enough already.



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