Monday, February 09, 2009

Homicidal Celebrities

"Does this suit make my head look fat?"
In 1969, a married Ted Kennedy left his chauffeur and a party he was attending behind to supposedly drive Miss Mary Jo Kopechne
, a former secretary of his assassinated brother ( Robert), back to her hotel. Along the way, Ted somehow managed to drive his car off a bridge and land upside down in a pond. Ted swam safely to shore, while abandoning his lady friend. Kennedy walked back to the party he drove from and went straight to his hotel room. For some unknown reason Ted failed to take the time to report the incident even though operational telephones were present in his hotel lobby. Even on his walk back to the party, Kennedy passed four houses that possessed phones in them, not once taking the time to call or ask for help.

The next morning, two local fishermen saw Ted's overturned vehicle in the pond and immediately notified the nearest household, who then right away phoned the authorities. That very same morning, Mr. Kennedy was seen using a payphone (Hel-lo!) at the time he witnessed his car being hauled out of the pond. Only then did Ted Kennedy report his "accident" to the police.
John Farrar was the diver that discovered Kopechne's body and concluded that she was found in the area of the vehicle where an air bubble would have formed, indicating that she was most likely alive for some time after the initial crash. Farrar also stated that had he been notified within 5 to 10 minutes of the accident taking place, there was a very strong possibility of him being able to retrieve Mary Jo Kopechne from the wreck alive.

Edward "Ted" Kennedy did not serve a single night in jail for Kopechne's death. The judge dismissed a minimum 2 month stint in the slammer and the District Attorney didn't bother to pursue manslaughter charges against the boozing, womanizing senator.

"I didn't choose this shirt - the alcohol did."

Keith Moon was a drummer for the rock band The Who. Moon had somehow angered a group of Skinheads after leaving a pub. In his haste to get away from the hostile mob, he started up his Bentley and ran over his friend, bodyguard, and chauffeur, Neil Boland. On that dreadful night, Keith had little choice but to drive himself home.

No charges of vehicular manslaughter were ever laid against Moon. The authorities ruled it "accidental".

"Mr.King, how many years you spend in jail for 2 murders?"

Don King is a boxing promoter who has worked with the likes of Muhammad Ali, George Foreman, and Mike Tyson. Mr. King killed two people back in the 1950's. The first victim was shot in the back, while attempting to rob one of Don's gambling houses. That killing was deemed a justifiable homicide by authorities. The second death occurred when Don King loaned $600 to an employee of his. The employee was unable to pay it back, so the 6ft 2in. Mr. King proceeded to viciously stomp his worker to death. Authorities deemed that excessively unjustifiable. Don King served 4 years in prison for manslaughter then became a multimillionaire by ripping off many of the boxers he promoted. "Only in America!"

"Thanks to me Lincoln's head is on the U.S. penny!"

John Wilkes Booth was a famous theater actor who assassinated the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln. While watching a play, Booth shot Lincoln point blank in the back of the head. John served no jail time because he was tracked down to a tobacco barn and shot through the neck as he fled the blaze. The bullet severed Booth's spine and caused him to be paralyzed from the neck down. Unable to swat a determined swarm of hungry mosquitoes away, John Wilkes died 3 hours later from massive blood loss.

"Anyone up for a friendly game of Russian Roulette?"

William S. Burrows was an author and chronic morphine addict, who shot his wife dead in Mexico, while attempting to shoot an apple off the top of her head (Whoops.). Thanks to his brother bribing Mexican officials, Burrows served next to no jail time for the incident. Willy is famous for writing the book, Naked Lunch, which was made into a movie starring Peter Weller, of RoboCop fame.

Despite being completed 63 years ago,
And the Hippos Boiled in Their Tanks was published for the first time in November of 2008. The title might suggest that the book is a humorous story for children, but it's based off of Mr. Burrows' real life experience involving a murder his good friend committed upon a gay pal that kept making unwanted sexual advances towards him. William's murdering buddy confessed the crime to him and Burrows failed to report the incident to police, so he spent a short time in jail for it. The irony was that Burrows' convicted friend was ultimately unable to discourage all of the sexual advances he received in the pokey.

The Crap Collection.

John Singleton, director of the forgettable Hollywood movies above, struck a drunken female pedestrian with his vehicle. Singleton stayed at the scene until police arrived. John gave his statement and then went on his merry way once the ambulance arrived. Constance Russell would later die of her injuries at the hospital. No charges were filed against Singleton. In addition, no charges were filed against him for making the modern movie version of Shaft, either. Where's the justice?

Dude really does look like a lady.

In 1984, Vince Neil, lead singer of Motley Crue, drove his friend Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley to the nearest liquor store. The only problem was that Vince Neil was already drunk. He subsequently crashed his exotic sports car into another vehicle, seriously injuring the two occupants. Razzle died at the scene as a result of his injuries. Vince Neil's blood alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit of .08 .

Neil's punishment was a month in jail, 5 years probation, 300 hours of community service, and $2.5 million in restitution to the affected families. For "good behavior" Vince Neil only had to spend 15 days in jail. Good behavior? Does that mean that Vince didn't scream, sob, or complain while giving "lip service" to the inmates of his entire cell block?

In 2003, while at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, Vince Neil nearly choked out a hooker. Ambulance attendants attributed her deep-throating skills as to saving her life.

"I'm in a new band called 'Road Kill'."

In late 2006, R & B singer, Brandy Norwood, caused a 4 car accident when she smashed into slower traffic on a Los Angeles freeway. This resulted in the death of a 38-year-old married mother of one. Authorities never charged Norwood with vehicular manslaughter due to "insufficient evidence".

The dead woman's family is now going forth with a $50 million wrongful death lawsuit that will take place in April of 2009. To cover her legal fees, Brandy Norwood is going to release her version of the Sammy Hagar song "I Can't Drive...FIFTY FIVE!".

"Watch out for my dangerous curves."

In 2001, Rebecca Gayheart killed nine-year-old Jorge Cruz, Jr. with her 4,000lbs. SUV. While driving, Gayheart was talking on her cellphone when she involuntarily turned young Jorge into a speed bump. Jorge was chasing after his soccer ball when other vehicles stopped to let him cross the street. Not wanting to slow down, Gayheart quickly maneuvered around the static vehicles ahead of her to pass them, and as a result, struck Jorge Cruz Junior.

A day later, the little boy died. Criminal charges where then filed. While awaiting her trial, Gayheart flipped a car she had been renting onto two parked vehicles. Declaring that Rebecca is an accident waiting to happen is a ludicrous understatement.

Later that same year, Gayheart pleaded no contest to vehicular manslaughter. However, Rebecca got zero jail time for it. She received 3 years probation, a $2,800 fine, 750 hours of community service, a public-service announcement, and a one year suspension of her driver's license. No, that's not a misprint. It was just a ONE year suspension. If I didn't know any better, Rebecca Gayheart must have hired the best attorney in the world...or slept with the judge and had a 3-way with them.

Jorgie's parents then filed a wrongful death suit against Rebecca to pay for hospital expenses, funeral costs, and compensation for loss of future earnings (The kid was 9 and already working???). It was eventually settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.

Since the accidents, Rebecca Gayheart's repeated attempts to obtain her license to drive a school bus have been blatantly denied.

Ferris Bueller has definitely seen better days.

Matthew Broderick is an actor who has starred in films such as Godzilla, Cable Guy, The Lion King (voice of adult Simba) and Inspector Gadget. He is currently married to HBO's Sex in the City star, Sarah Jessica Parker.

In 1987, while vacationing in Ireland with his then fiance Jennifer Grey (who played his little sister in Ferris Bueller's Day Off), Broderick was driving directly into oncoming trafic. This caused Mathew to collide into the car of Anna Gallagher and her mom, Margaret Doherty. Both were instantly killed on impact. Broderick suffered a fractured leg, broken ribs, a collapsed lung, concussion symptoms, and no recollection of the accident whatsoever. Irish police charged Broderick with the less serious charge of "careless driving". By doing so, Matthew was only fined $350 (as long as the payment was accompanied with a bottle of fine whiskey). The victim's family went on to say that Broderick's punishment was "a travesty of justice".

In 2003, Matthew supposedly talked to the victim's family to give them some "sense of closure" regarding the accident. Most likely, he probably gave them autographed photos of himself.

"Look into my crazy eyes, son, and tell me that I can't eff you up."

Don't let the sweet, seemingly harmless face of Laura Bush fool you, for it is the visage of a scornful killer!

In 1963, 17-year-old Laura Lane Welch ran a stop sign. This resulted in smashing her car into the driver's side of the most popular boy in Robert E. Lee High School, Michael Dutton Douglas. Laura only sustained minor injuries from the collision, but Douglas was pronounced dead on arrival at Midland Memorial Hospital. Zero charges or fines were filed against Laura, the daughter of a wealthy real estate developer.

Some reports even indicate that Laura and Michael Dutton Douglas were more than just casual school acquaintances. Some say that the two were briefly romantically involved when Douglas abruptly ended the relationship.

In 2008, Laura's husband, former U.S. President George W. Bush, completely exonerated his wife just to be on the safe side.



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