Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A Toast to Jessica Alba

What is it about Jessica Alba that makes her a household name? Is it her "talent"? It can't be that because you have to have some first. Is it her "beauty"? I don't think so, because it's quite evident that Alba is well below average looking without applying ice cream scoops worth of makeup onto her homely visage.

In movies, Jessica Alba recites her lines as if she's reading them for the first time off of cue cards. I wouldn't be surprised if professional athletes closely analyze Jessica Alba's technique before they appear on TV shows or commercials.

Alba's acting ability peaked in the movie Sin City.

For Jessica, that scene is as close to Meryl Streep's skill level as she'll ever get.

She was absolutely atrocious portraying Sue Richards in Fantastic Four. I never once was fooled into thinking that Jessica Alba was remotely believable as an intelligent scientist. Personally, I would have cast Kristen Bell in that role instead.

If Jessica refuses to drop out of showbiz, it will only be a matter of time before they rename the Razzie to the Alba Awards.
Whenever Jessica Alba is cast in a movie, I only see it as a tribute to literacy.

Jessica became confused when asked what "emote" meant.



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