Newborn Baby CAPTIONED!

BABY: "Jealous?"

BABY: "I wouldn't hold it against you if you kidnapped me."

BABY: "Don't mind me. I'm just enjoying the view."

BABY: "My back was out. That's why I"m laying on the floor."

BABY: "Mommy is using her phone to look up the meaning of motherhood."

BABY: "What? Haven't you ever seen a baby perform yoga in an airport before?"

BABY: "Don't look at me like that. I don't need your goddamn pity!"

BABY: "Mom is trying to figure out the going rate for an infant on the Dark Web."

BABY: "I'll trade you my blankey for those cool sunglasses."

BABY: "Hey, baby. Got milk?"

BABY: "Mommy's on Tinder trying to figure out who's my daddy."

BABY: "Why are you looking at me as if I shit my pants?"

BABY: "Good thing I brought my libarary card because I'm totally checking you out."

BABY: "Don't worry. Mom is phoning the Child Protection Agency on herself."

BABY: "Haven't I seen you before? Yeah, I remember now. OnlyFans."

BABY: "Mommy sold my stroller so that she could fly Business Class."

BABY: "Go ahead and feel my diaper. It's made of boyfriend material. *wink*"

BABY: "You know what we have in common? We both aren't wearing panties."

Amy Schumer

Michael Jordan's House

Did I say house? I really meant mega mansion.

Originally listed in 2012 for $29 million.

Later that year, dropped to $21 million.

Went to auction in 2013, but nobody bothered to place the minimum bid of $13 million.

As of this post, it is listed at $14,855,000 (numbers all add up to 23).

The price also includes every pair of Air Jordan shoes ever made.



- Built in 1995

- On Over 7 Acre Lot

- 9 Bedrooms

- 15 Bathrooms

- Indoor Fitness Center

- Outdoor Kitchen

- Tennis Court

- Putting Green

- Infinity Pool

- Cigar/Humidor Room

- 500 Bottle Wine Cellar (I'd use it as an Air Jordan shoe rack)

- NBA regulation sized Basketball Court

- Garage Can Accommodate 14 Cars

- 56, 000 Square Feet

To put that space into perspective, it's 10,000 square feet BIGGER than my local Target store!

Look-A-Likes 3

 

Woody from Toy Story

 Jake Gyllenhall from Broke Back Mountain

 Mixed Martial Arts fighter Meisha Tate

 V from V for Vendetta

 

Adrian Grenier from the TV show Entourage

NHL player Jaromir Jagr

 Mayim Bialak from Big Bang Theory and Blossom

 

Bruce Willis' daughter Scout

 

Host of CBS' The Late Late Show James Corden

 

Conan O'Brien's sidekick Andy Richter 

Citizen Kane director Orson Wells

Kung Fu Panda actor Jack Black

 

    Ralphie from A Christmas Story

  

Professional joke thief Amy Schumer

 

I've Seen TRAIN WRECK

 
      A scene from the Nat Geo Wild show: When Cats Drive Trains.

Train Wreck is a Judd Apatow directed project about a floozy who freely sleeps around until she fornicates with a doctor.  It stars Amy Schumer, Bill Hader, Tilda Swinton, Colin Quinn, Lebron James, and WWE's John Cena.

At first, I thought Train Wreck was a sequel to the Denzel Washington's action thriller, Unstoppable.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  It was supposed to be a "comedy", but I never once laughed out loud.  In the theater I was in, most of the jokes were misses, as indicated by the symphony of crickets.  In fact, I believe Michael Jordan had a better hit percentage in baseball than the supposed humor in this particular film.  

Other than the poorly timed punchlines there were additional aspects of the storyline that I didn't get.  For instance, Amy's character could not fathom the appeal of sports, yet constantly surrounded herself with numerous people who were enamored by it.  Further more, there were absolutely pointless scenes that involved the boy who played Harry Potter and Academy award winning actress, Marisa Tomei, that should have been completely edited out.  It's as if Judd gets a kick out of pushing himself to see if he is capable of ruining the careers of talented Oscar winners.  Just about all the dialogue and acting seemed either a bit off or not believable at all.  For instance, I've seen Lebron James act much more natural in Samsung commercials.  For the casting, Amy's sister looked NOTHING like her.  Colin Quinn plays Amy's father and has a strong New York accent, yet none of his daughters have any hint of one.  Plus, I could swear that Colin Quinn didn't age a single second during the 23 year flashback scene to the present day.  Lastly, I couldn't come to grips as to why a doctor (played by Bill Hader) would fall in love with Amy's character.  This sports doctor's environment is surrounded with gorgeous cheerleaders and female athletes.  DOCTOR: "Sorry, Lindsey Vonn/Serina Williams/Maria Sherapovoa. I'd like to go out with you all, but I'm currently dating Amy Schumer."  Nope.  Nothing unrealistic about that.

My mind was blown when Amy claimed that it took her 2 years to write this script.  Just about everything concerning Train Wreck seemed already familiar, as if I'd seen all this before.  The alternative working title could have been Not So Pretty Woman.  Essentially the same tired formula, except that one charges for her services, while the other freely gives it away.  I can't help but feel that Judd had more than a little influence over the finished product of the script.  That's why Apatow should seriously consider changing his name to Dud Inapt-atow.  I'll admit that my local theater bribed me by promising to triple the reward points for seeing this disaster.  And because of that, I now feel filthier than Amy Schumer waking up next to Bill Cosby.

If I possessed a uterus, I would maybe rate this chick flick 4/10.  Had I underwent a hysterectomy, 2/10.

50 Shades of Grey

I would read this book...if I weren't already illiterate.  :(

Got the eel photo without captions HERE .

I might tackle Drunken Baby next.

Mouthless Chinese Pig

Believe it or not, the above photo is that of a pig born without a mouth in Eastern Asia.

The doomed freak died hours later, due to a lack of nourishment.  Had cocaine been readily available to snort, the little porker might have had enough pep to hang on until capable doctors could intervene.

The mother of the deceased piglet said that her child was conceived within a Likwang, China Porta Potty outside to where an insignificant Star Wars convention was taking place.

When asked as to what the alleged baby's daddy had to say...

"Dat eez nut ma keed! Da beech eez ah ly-air!!"

A paternity test conducted on an upcoming episode of the Maury Povich Show later confirmed that Watto was indeed the father.

 

In lieu of a proper funeral, the dead piggy went to market and was recycled into delicious, crispy bacon by renowned celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsay.