Sunday, January 11, 2009

I Haven't Seen DEAD SNOW...

...but I want to.

Zombie movies are plentiful in Hollywood, but this is one has a foreign flair to it. Plus, it's pretty hard to mess up a film if you have zombies, Nazis, action, graphic gore, and comedy all rolled into one.

Pretty hard, that is unless your name is M. Night Shyamalan. That grossly overpaid, washed up hack based the plot of The Happening (original title was Shit Happens) on the premise that trees talk to each other. No explanation was ever given. Not even during his DVD commentary, where he's constantly imitating the annoyingly obnoxious voice of John Lovitz. The viewer is forced to just take
Shim Sham Shyamalan's word for it. I can't believe producers actually forked over $60 million to make that flick happen. M. Night must have extraordinary oral skills.

Just off of the top of my soft head I've come up with a quick tree conversation:

FIR: "Hey, you dropped something."

OAK: "I did?"

FIR: "Yeah, you dropped a leaf. Want me to pick it up?"

OAK: "If you please. That would be great!"

FIR: "I can't. I'm a tree. Such is my burden."

OAK: "May a forest fire slowly consume you."

FIR: "And may you get nibbled to death by a rogue herd of hamsters."

A 5 second pause...then the trees begin to slap fight, until a Boy Scout troop break them up and use them as kindling to fuel a massive bonfire. THE END. Tee-dah! Now where's my $60 million?

"My last name translated into English means 'The Asian Rick Moranis'."



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