I've Seen ZACK & MIRE MAKE A PORNO

"It's me who reeks. I'm wearing Douche cologne by Perez Hilton."

This film is about two friends/roommates who are so desperate for money that they are willing to put their dignity aside for the hopes of improving their financial standing by producing and participating in an extremely low budget porn. It stars Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks (rawr!).

The movie was grossly mistitled because it should have been called Zack Fails Miserably at Making a Porno. That's right. The characters were not able to finish what they started. So that makes this movie basically pointless. I also couldn't get over at how the story paired up a pudgy, homely dude like Rogen with a knockout, gorgeous woman like Elizabeth Banks (rawr!). It's not realistic, at all, that the supremely hot Miri would be willing to lower her standards for a destitute guy that looked like Zack. The only way I'd believe such an occurrence was if Elizabeth Banks' (rawr!) character had a quarantinable case of highly contagious herpes.

Personally, I would have chosen the corpulent director, Kevin Smith, for the Seth Rogen role. Seeing a tubby porker trying to get it on with a beautiful woman would be somewhat disturbingly distgusting, but potentially much more humorous. Smith's character's porn name would be Jabba the Man Slut. A sex scene would have the morbidly obese Smith ungracefully mount himself on top of the petite Elizabeth Sperm Banks (rawr!) for the missionary position. Then just before that whale of a man is about to procreate, Smith loudly proclaims, "It's Free Willy time!" As Kevin Smith is thrusting, the sweaty fat folds in his skin start to rub together to make what sounds like an orchestra of high pitched farting noises to the tune of John Williams' Darth Vader theme song. The immense friction created by the folds of Kevin's fat start to smoke, and smell like bacon. Just before Smith climaxes, he sets off the ceiling sprinkler system of the coffee shop. As Smith clumsily rolls off his co-star, the porn crew discovers that Miri is no longer breathing, for she has been unknowingly smothered by Kevin's ample, fleshy breasts. The rest of the cast accuse Jabba the Man Slut of fucking Miri to death, while Kevin hysterically screams "10-07! 10-07!" That was the walkie-talkie code number for a dead hooker Ben Affleck used in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back.

For a movie that's about pornography, it delivers no money shot. The nudity was provided by Jason Mews (Ew!) and a fake-titted slut that sounded like Audrey from the movie Little Shop of Horrors. The best acting came from Justin Long and Tisha Campbell-Martin's floppy tit. If you ask me, the writing and directing of Kevin Smith has lost its creatively humorous mojo. I now find that Kevin Smith is far better at articulating entertaining oral discussions at college campuses than he is at making movies.


FACT: Kevin Smith uses an unflushable toilet as his director's chair.