Is DeGeneres French for Shape Shifter?

"My initials are E & D, which can also stand for Erectile Dysfunction."
Above is an unmanipulated (by me) shot of Ellen DeGeneres modeling for the makeup company, Cover Girl. Have you seen those TV ads? The company is paying her a lot of money to look decent in their product, yet all involved felt compelled to up the contrast on her face to ridiculous levels in a failed attempt to mask the flaws their foundation makeup was unable to adequately hide.

She's not done yet. Some regard her as a comedian. What's more boring than listening to Bob Newhart's vacuous stand up routine? Listening to a female version of Bob Newhart bumble off lame punch lines.

Oh, there's more! Despite possessing no professional musical background and having the innate ability to dance like my inebriated uncle at public social events, she managed to land a lucrative job as a judge for finding musical talent on a show called American Idol. If you think about it, Paris Hilton, having released a mediocre music CD herself, is much more qualified for such a position.

On top of everything else Ellen is incompetent at, she has her own talk show. Like...wow. DeGeneres' representative deserves an Agent of the Decade award. As boxing promoter, Don King, always says, "Only in America."



I can't be the only one who thinks that an Ellen DeGeneres with her hair slicked back looks remarkably like Odo from Star Trek Deep Space 9.

"Let me be the first to welcome Ellen to my unprestigious club."



Hey Ellen, the mom from The Brady Bunch look is already taken by Florence Henderson.